11 January 2009

The Tool Academy

OMG.

Have you SEEN the new reality tv show on VH1 The Tool Academy? FREAKING HYSTERICAL!

Mike and I were on the fence about watching this one, but the commercials cracked me up. And honestly, the general concept had me at hello, but Mike was a bit more apprehensive about adding another “junk” show to our soon-to-implode DVR schedule.

The premises of the show is that a select number of men show up to compete for Mr. Awesome. Oh, but what they don’t know is that their girlfriends have really enrolled them in the Tool Academy. These guys had numerous casting interviews in which they are trying to “prove” to the casting directors that they are the ultimate Mack Daddy’s and what better way to prove such than listing off how many times you cheated, how often you take advantage of bathroom, um, “special meetings”, and of course, how often you work out, tan, use excessive hair product, oh…and tan.

I mean, look at these tools Contestants:






What. The. Crap.

One of their catch phrases - "Saving relationships, one tool at a time"

BRAHAAHA



The girlfriends get to watch their interviews for "Mr. Awesome" and are floored when pretty much every single contestant reveals he’s cheating. One even claims he’s “trained his woman to do everything - cook, clean, laundry, anything he desires”. Practically none of these GIANT TOOLS Contestants have jobs, all of them party to excess on their girlfriends dime (on even uses his girlfriend’s child support check for his spending account!). It’s sickening.

The idea is that each Tool will face challenges in Charm School fashion to obtain levels of proper etiquette, manner and all-around-GrownUpNess. After the challenges, one will be eliminated and then must face his girlfriend who then has to decide whether to stay with her Tool or leave him then and there. The winner receives $100,000 and a shred of his dignity back.

But the best part, by FAR, is that after a contestant is eliminated the man Dude Judge says “I’m sorry you are eliminated. You are - just a tool.”

The way he says it! Mike and I DIED laughing for a solid 10 minutes. I think the show has its first airing Sunday night (VH1 always airs its Sunday lineup in the morning too, so we’ve already enjoyed this masterpiece for the day).

WATCH IT THOUGH!

This leaves me with a question - On the show each Tool is given a name correlating to the type of Tool they are - Playin’ Pimpin’ Tool is obviously a no-good cheating a*hole, there’s two with Superhero names that are L-A-M-E, Tiny Tool is some Boston dude and MAYBE 5’4”… you get the point. Then there’s Slacker Tool who DOES. NOTHING. This is the guy the one who uses his girlfriend’s child support money I do believe.

Have you ever dated/hooked up with/blocked a number to a Tool? What would his “Tool name" be?

Mine: Money Tool - not creative, but interesting. This guy entered my life halfway through my Freshman year (before another Tool that I won’t even WASTE my BREATH on….He’s more a sociopath than a tool anyways… I digress). He has OODLES of money, as in his own brand new 5 bedroom house with a gourmet kitchen in a very nice area, 3 cars, a bike, and did I mention TONS of CASH! He was set through an inheritance (something like 1.7 million at the time). He had investments in real estates, he was good looking and we really did have great conversations. But, because he had money he was disillusioned to believe that had a one-way golden ticket to my pants! NOT SO MUCH, MISTER! After I denied him access, he kept calling (in a non-stalky way), but I never really got it. That is, not till later. Most girls would have swooned over a man that was financially stable, witty and good looking…. Throwing themselves at him in hopes of earning their MRS. and never lifting a finger again.

But me? Not so much impressed. I mean, I thought it was all very nice, but that doesn’t mean you can just bang me and throw me to the curb? Which I knew he would. I was some kind of challenge, a game. I knew that if I were ever to just give him an inch (oh you dirty girls, that was metaphorical!!!), he’d never talk to me again. Just another notch in his $500,000 bedpost. Sorry dude, I’m not a hooker.

Who’s your tool? Leave in the comments ladies!

8 comments:

  1. Oh, jeez. There were a lot of tools, I gotta admit. The ones that deserve to go on the show would be Tiny Tool (yeah, he was short, too...but that's not why I named him Tiny Tool--BURN!) and I Own You Tool. IOY tool once said to me, after, oh, one or two dates (no, seriously) that he was fine with me hanging out with other people, as long as I "don't f*ck any other guys"....

    We had NOT had sex, and never did (thank god). I was done after that, but he called me over, and over, and over. And over. And got angry when I told him to quit calling.

    Yeah. *shiver*

    Go tools!

    --Kerry

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  2. I don't think I should. I can't put it into words! I don't even know how to label him!
    "DoucheBag Tool"
    "Lazy Tool"
    "Full Of Himself Tool"
    "Hit your Girlfriend Tool"

    Ya know, I'm just going with ...

    "King of the Tools"

    ... and spare you any stories!

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  3. Kerry - BURN is right! That's hilarious... and creepy...

    Staci - I saw your post on facebook and I'm glad you watched the show! Isn't it hilarious?!?
    Oh, and YOU soooo know who my unmentionable I'm-Too-Good For-You/Sociopath Tool is. L-O-S-E-R!

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  4. Wait I have a question. Why would you just not stay a little longer with Money Tool and see how hard he would work for you? Cause I expected you to say that he had no personality. You ended up saying he was witty. So he had all the tools (pun intended). You just were worried he was going to use you? It would have been cool if you made him work some more.

    Anyways the show is awesome and shows me what not to do. Although I will say some of the girlfriends are really attractive. So there is something the tools are doing right.

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  5. Great question.

    Money Tool and I met on New Year's Eve at a mutual friends house. Since I was single at the time (and I MIGHT have had a bit of wine too...), he ended up being my New Year's kiss. I had to work the next day, so I retired shortly after midnight giving him my number per his request (and I was thrilled!).

    Anyways, he left on the note that he'd call me in the next few days and we'd have a date. Which sounded awesome to me as he was charming, good looking and very well dressed (not to mention a great kisser!).

    Oh, but did he call? NO! Not for MONTHS. I had all but completely forgotten about him until he came a ringing forever later.

    I brushed it off and went on the date. Good date, I was a little shy but he had me cracking up eventually. One thing bothered me though - he had lots of rehearsed answers and always seemed to be trying to one up himself.

    Well, after that date, he said he'd call me again and AGAIN he waited weeks. By this point, I was on the "3 strikes and he's GONE" rule and decided I'd give him one more chance to redeem himself.

    Since I don't claim to be a goodie goodie, I won't NOT tell you that this next date was a dinner and a movie date at his ginormous home. I had fun, good movie, he seemed more "normal"... except for when he tried to get in my pants (ok, that IS normal, but you get the point). Now, I get it - I did except a date at his home, but I didn't completely cold shoulder him (we made out).

    So there I was thinking that this guy would call me since now we'd had 2 dates and I'd brought up the fact that I didn't intend on staying on his short list of honeys for when the girl river ran dry. I didn't expect to hear from him the next day, but if a MONTH passed then it'd be too much.

    He called the next day and invited me over.

    Great.. except that he didn't waste 10 minutes trying to get me in bed.

    Oh goodness.

    I left on a good note, gently declining his numerous attempts at sexing me up.

    Then, the calls picked up. Once a week, mostly late night and I'd say at least 75% of the time he was a little intoxicated.

    Finally, I did the math. He did LIKE me, but he probably also had a list of a thousand hot girls that WOULD do him and I wasn't going to be one. He had the chance to make it right, but he didn't.

    All he wanted was to complete the challenge, as it were.

    Money Tool - if you are reading this (haha!), thanks but no thanks.

    Dude called me for late nights for over a year during which I met my husband. Good thing it didn't work out :)

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  6. What about the I really don't think my kids need any money but can I please keep them at my leisure tool.

    Ok so now me and my "Babydaddy" (ugh! I hate that term) now share two kids for which I have received 30 dollars child support for in the last 3 years, but for some reason still had feelings for. I don't know why if a man won't take care of his own kids why should I think he will take care of me? WHATEVER! Now he is married to a lady who has two other kids (by different fathers) And he has 2 from me and one from another chick, not to mention they just had one together a couple of days ago. (Not even two months after our last was born, I wish I could brag about that myself) making six kids in all... WOW! Now he drives a two door truck with a back seat tell me how in the world he will fit that many kids in there. Not to mention he lives with his mom, wife, and three kids in a two bedroom house... where will my kids sleep? And on top of that he calls me wrong for not letting him keep mine because I don't think its a good idea, especailly after he beat me in front of Gabi resulting in two black eyes and his hand mark on my throat, well and a little jail time for him. He also tells me that sending me money is something he shouldn't have to do, seriously buddy! Followed by comments that if I don't let Gabi and Colt go up there that they will have emotional issues and feel inadequate because they will feel like he doesn't love them. All I hear is I really don't care if my kids have clean diapers, clothes, maybe a little food, shoes, medicine, baths, etc. but all they need is a little quality time with their dad. well thats nice he wants to spend time with them and all, but does he honestly think that they would be alive if I hadn't worked overtime at Wendy's overnight to provide these things. His wife also called and gave me the spilled about emotional distress and said is it because of me they don't get to come here to which I responded "girl don't flatter yourself it was way before you that he didn't get to see them". Needless to say she doesn't care for me that much anymore.

    OK i'm tired of typing this whole story is wonderful though and I'm thinking about writing a book. At the beginning it will say the names have not been changed to humiliate the guilty. It will also be proof read. Amanda I know you can find atleast 20 things wrong with my grammar/spelling in this post, so I apologize!

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  7. Oh Beth Ann, he TOTALLY deserves the Tool Award! And you my friend, DESERVE A BREAK!

    I completely agree with you too, if he doesn’t have the space in both his vehicle and his home, then he just needs to haul his rear-end over to you to see them. And THEN, he needs to get a vasectomy and stop making babies he can’t pay for! Don’t let them give you crap about your children’s “pending” “emotional stress” when he is clearly doing NOTHING to contribute to them living an easier life. Until he contributes something other than grief and stress to the situation, tell him to butt out.

    AND THEN HE NEEDS TO HELP YOU OUT WITH CHILD SUPPORT! Geez.

    But hey, that’s my opinion.

    Why are men so scummy sometimes?

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  8. Oh Lord- Obsessed Tool. I dated this one guy who thought everything was about him-I ended the relationship when he started telling my guy friends not to talk to me. Any conversation with this guy becomes a converstaion about HIM. Two and a half years later he tried convincing people that mine and my husbands child was his! COMPLETE TOOL.

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