17 February 2009

Notes From the Stirrups

                                                                            (yes, that's really me in a pickle)

Well, I never made a decision on whether or not to go ahead with the Mirena implant. It’s not for a lack of research, cause dudes, I’ve googled the begeezus out of it. I’ve spoken with high school friends about having something rammed up their hoo-has and into their uteri although I’d never of thought I’d of been speaking to people I once shared a swing with about post-baby birth control options.

Staci even shared with me about having to get the strings trimmed because her husband’s special member needed them to be shorter. I mean, ewww… he has cooties woman! You shouldn’t even share your animal crackers and juice with a nasty boy much less let him……….


Michael and I have had far more discussions than he even deemed necessary or plausible about how we were going to prevent anymore ridiculously cute children from partaking in my Uterus Parties (known AROUND THE WORLD – I’m sure…), and his final decision: It’s my body, so I should choose how to violate it. Hurmph. He’s no help.

He does agree that the Baby Parade has ended. Obviously, you kind people know how I feel about Being Pregnants again, but he has his own concerns. And according to this article, the economy has had some interesting affects on our baby makings – bringing a baby into the Apocalypse is EXPENSIVE and more people are turning to Mr. Latex than previous years. It’s cheap… it doesn’t require you to have anything plastic shoved through your cervix and into your uterus… it doesn’t cost $20 a month nor mandate you remember to take the darn thing every day… but as my Vagina Doctor says “It also doesn’t work in your nightstand”. So…. Yeah… he has a point. Umm -  Point:


                                                                             (but, isn't he adorable?)

Riiighht again.

So I’ve taken Michael’s “opinion” into consideration and the verdict is simple: I’m not doing crap for right now.  I’ve considered Natural Family Planning before, but my biggest concerns involve the length of my period staying lengthy, PMDD (Yoda says: diagnosed I am), and.. oh yea… IT NOT WORKING. [read: Dear Uterus, please cooperate and stay babyless. Thanks, The Management].

That’s just for now though. And although I say that, I can’t possibly imagine what would surface to change my mind. More information? Doubtful. My husband gaining an opinion? Ha. Silly you. My fear of bleeding rivers for weeks and labor contractions (!)? BRAAHAHA. Contain yourself, Amanda! 


And I wrote all of that before I even went into the exam room.... I arrived at 2:50, my appointment was at 3, called into an exam room and disrobed myself around 4:45, then saw Vagina Doctor at 5:45! People, it was DARK OUTSIDE when I left, I was the very last person in the BUILDING, his practice CLOSES AT 5 and I had to UNLOCK THE FRONT DOOR JUST TO LEAVE! WTFrench?

So, I had alot of time to think about this.... again... And the unbelievably late nice Vagina Doctor tells me that the hormones levels in the Mirena are so small, that it does seem like the best option for me. He agrees that the pill, patch and ring are non-options, and with me not being regular in my cycles because I'm still breastfeeding, natural family planning would be fine if my husband is ok with avoiding me like the plague for about 12 days every month (I would love to tell you why condoms don't work if they break due to lack of lubricant in a breastfeeding woman, but people... that's so TMI for a blog! gah!).

He is giving me a cytotec (oh hell, after hyper extending during labor with Chase...), a valium and a pain killer. I think I'll throw in a handful of crack and some vodka (I kid people! I can't drink. SAD FACE!).  So the pain issue? Ha! I might not even know where I am! WOOHOO.

I'm going for it. 10 days. Right before my EGD (gulp). February is looking kinda painful...


  1. wow...good luck! :o) haha that pic cracked me up! Never thought I would see someone else loaded up on stirrups..well there feet anyways.

  2. Mark got the "BIG V" about 2 years ago and recommends it to any man.

    He was literally in and out of there in 30 min, was fine the next day, and went back to work on Monday.

    In another words, we STRONGLY recommend it to anyone who doesn't want any more chitlins. :o)

  3. Michael is "undecided" on the issue of a vasectomy. He's just one of those guys when it comes to anything sharp and pointy near his special region. He won't admit it either, but I think he thinks it'll somehow make him less of a man.

  4. Ok, I know this is the totally wrong thing to focus on in this post, but.

    Do your feet have 2 different polish colors? Maybe it's just my eyes... or the oh-so-flattering lighting in Vagina Doctor's office.

    - Lydia

  5. P.S. You should know, your blog is now bookmarked on my iPhone... which means you've officially reached Rock Star (Blog Star?) status.

    - L

  6. Love it! Although, EGD doesn't sound too fun. I hope you get things figured out!

  7. Lydia,
    Nope same color, both feet. I did, however, slap some polish on 2.4 minutes before running out the door and thus, did one foot with 2 coats of polish and I think the other only received one. OPI - "Cajun Shrimp"... my favorite!

    Your favorites? Really? *blush* Aw shucks Lyds, I feel so [sing-songy voice:] SPECIAAAALLLL!

  8. *sigh* I just don't understand people who don't want 15 childern like me.... lol! note- kidding we only want 6- we're not OVERLY stupid! haha
    Good luck! I have friends who LOVE their implant (and one who still uses condoms WITH it b/c she TERRIFIED of having another one!)

  9. The picture? Hilarious. When my three year old was eighteen months old he took the stirrups off the table, unscrewed them and all while we visited with the doctor. It was a sign...

    MOM, stop having babies! :)

    I can't believe your doc was THAT late, holy cows.

    And good luck getting it all figure out. The whole figuring out what to do about my system and babies thing still totally throws me...


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