09 March 2009

There Are No Words for Too Many Non-Words

I'm in such a mood.

Wish I had something insightful or thoughtful or entertaining to post, but alas, I feel like absolute poo.

On Friday, I had A Break Down of the DEARHEAVENS Variety. Conner has been swinging from my last nerve like a gorilla in a jungle full of crack-cocaine for a solid week. He is, at this moment, so not my favorite preschooler.

If it's not the violence towards his brother in the passive aggressive variety ("Oops. I didn't mean to walk right through you at full speed even though I totally saw you standing there") it's violence towards me in the "I'm mad you took my light saber away and threw it in the garbage when I wasn't looking", so I am now going to slam the door on your foot" fashion.

He is also on repeat. REPEAT. REPEAT! REPEAT!! 

Every single thing that comes out of his mouth -whether it be a word, a non-word, a phrase or a stinking PARAGRAPH - must be repeated with exact precision by you or the listening party in its entirety. If he believes you  A) Mispronounced what he said to you B)Misunderstood his non-word words or C) Don't care to recite all 1,500 things he just sputtered out then you, dear friend, should prepare for The Hellashish Meltdown of Lava and Firey Brain-filled Fireworks ala Conner.

Heaven help us.

I'm getting his hearing checked. He constantly says things that are just mumbled garbage and I can't understand him AT ALL. And you have 2 choices. First being to mumbled some stuff together and spurt it out really fast back at him and pray that he finds it adequate enough ... or, say what you think he's trying to say, and risk being right and him moving on or suffer through aforementioned Hellish Meltdown of Lava and Brains.

As I was loosing my mind, my marbles, my sanity and every single shred of mothery-ness, I found myself sitting on a children's stool in the kitchen floor at 6:30 on Friday night with only a small light on over the sink, texting Staci as to whether locking Conner in his room for the rest of the weekend night was cruel.  She conferred that it was not. I replied "Sweet. Now to take the knob off and turn the lock around. I'm looking for the screwdriver now."

Honestly, I was.

But, then I realized that it'd take me an hour to do this (I've done it before, middle school - replaced my own doorknob on my bedroom with a deadbolt I found in our garage - great way to piss off your parents, btw. All I wanted was for my sister to leave my stuff alone...).


Then on Saturday, Ali and I spent 2.5 hours in Target acting like children with NO CHILDREN, and suddenly the weight of Conner's Volcano was lightened (note: NOT LIFTED). I re-centered and now I am able to be around him all day without wanting to place him on Craigslist. For cheap. 

Or free.

And now I'll stop blogging about being grumpy. (PS - I hate you Day Light Savings)


  1. Stupid ass schedule screw up day ... Day light "savings". Psh. Agreed there.

    My kids have been "playing nicely" in their rooms all day today. I just can't be around them sometimes ... and it's best for them in the long run!

    I guess it's probably a good thing that the Air Force won't let us mess with the door knobs! Ah, well. Isn't it fantastic how Target can make you regroup?!?! I stinkin love that place. Unfortunately for me, I live an hour from Target. So, I don't regroup very often!

    It's Monday. Wanted you to know.

    Also- the second word of my word verification on this page is "rum". I think your blog is trying to tell me something.

  2. So...yeah I have on numerous occasions put Adlay in her crib, not even the slightest bit tired and not so happy about it so I could have a moment before I threw myself out the window....and she's the only one and only 16 months old. Lord on high help me when she is a "real" toddler.

    Isn't is funny how we want our kids to grow up strong-willed and independent so they can stand up for themselves out in this cruel world but just not while they are at home in our presence. Something about a double edged sword would sum that up nicely.

  3. Staci - I just plain heart you.

    Donya - When you going to fork over another kid? Like my mom says "You aren't a real parent till you have at least 2"

    Her words. NOT MINE! I was ready to pull my hair out with one child sometimes as well...

    And when Conner starts being independent is the day I'll start drinking "just orange juice" at breakfast. Good vodka is expensive...

  4. Tis the season! My child has a unique way of driving me up the wall too. Wanna know a fun (not really) and effective solution?? My friedn Jackie and I are both having issues with our "terrible two" stage kids. So, for a full 8 hour day we traded Zeke and Lilly.

    Lilly was such a brat I am thankful for Zeke's temper, or perhaps compared to her, lack there of.

    Also, when all else fails, I mock Zeke's hissy fits. Throw myself on the floor and everything. He stops, in shock.

    Hang in there!

  5. HAHA! Throw yourself on the floor! That's just brilliant.

  6. So my question is, with all of these evil children around: Why the hell is everyone telling me it's time to have kids?

  7. Because when they have their good days ... Or look at you and smile (and genuine happy toddler smile) ... It's all worth it.

    ( and, six years from now I'll have someone to cut the grass, bathe the dogs, do the dishes, etc :) )

  8. I use E-Bay when I want to sell my darling child.... just saying...

  9. PS... why don't I remember the aforementioned sister? are you sure you had a sister, b/c it can't possibly be my memory is incorrect... lol

  10. We were children and it was awesome! :)

  11. This is one of the funniest true-to-life posts I have ever read. Mostly, I want to give my dogs away "Free to a good restaurant", but every once in awhile, I'd consider selling Caroline on Craigslist, too. Wow.


Comments! I LOVE Comments!

I Blog For...