21 July 2009

Dear...

Dear El Nino,

I know you get a bad rap (wrap vs. rap) on the West Coast, but that's their problem. I'd like to personally thank you for bringing Canadian air deep in the heart of the South, where my happy little butt can now make it to the mailbox without crack sweat. I mean, seriously, thanks.

Also, I'm a big fan of the rain we don't normally see in July.

My only complaint isn't really a complaint at all: I'm just a weather dork (yes, I'm about 15 flavors of dork), and a birdie/meteorologist told me that your wind shear will break up hurricane activity in the Gulf. Hrmph. I'll still enjoy tracking them here. (Yup, BIG RED, FLASHING DORK SIGN)

Muchos Thank-os (yup, that's Spanish)
(Wait, Gracias is "thanks"... so..)

Gracias,
The Mom Job


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Dear Conner,

Pants kid, PANTS. Lord love a duck, I'm REALLY TIRED OF SEEING YOUR JUNK. Put on the PANTS.

With Pants,
Mommy


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Dear Margarita Glass,

I'm sorry I haven't used you in so long. I really do have a good excuse. It's not you, it's me. Swomise.

Although the medicine helps with the esophageal spasms, it can't handle Mr. Cuervo and his little buddies yet. And vodka-only margaritas are just so Freshman Year at a crappy bar "of legal drinking age" years at crappy bars.

However, knocking me over my head while I fetched a cup for Conner's orange juice this morning was a bit extreme. I mean, yes, it has been that long, but you didn't have to go to such extremes. Are you like that girl who stalks a guy after he makes out with you ONCE and then doesn't remember your name? Because no one likes that girl. Trust me.

I'll get around to using you later. Well, not you now... you are broken and in the trash. But, I'll use your friends.

And then, I might not call them the next day. Wait...

There's a life's lesson in there for some of you who choose to read between the lines.

My Deepest Sympathy's To Your Mexican Familia,
Very Sober Amanda


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Dear Body,

Your little game last week? Not cool dude. Well, girl. But for reals - NOT COOL. You do that again and you go on eBay. Trust me, I know all about putting uteruses (uteri??, eh?) and ovaries and thyroids on Teh Internets. Don't try me.

Just NOT. COOL.
Me (us?)


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Dear Congress and Senate,

That's just one GIGANTIC mistake. Don't go there.

Regards,
The Tax Payer ('s wife)

6 comments:

  1. You got your funny back!!! Wooo Hooo!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love it. Swomise. You totally stole that from me. I guess it's a trade off cuz i took you're awesomesauce. Hahaha. BTW your blogs blow my mind with the funny. I mean you are the epitome of awesomesauce my friend. Kudos!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Amanda,
    Please proofread your blog no matter how much pain medication you've taken to deal with your "lady problems".
    Or don't blog while high.
    Either or.
    Love,
    Me

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Amanda,
    You are a tard, but I love you anyway and will continue reading your tard-ness.
    P.S. your Uterus called and apologized profusely. Please give it another chance.
    -Bonnie

    ReplyDelete
  5. I loved "Lord love a duck" personally.

    I told you the margarita glass just wanted to be used, didn't I? I think I'll attempt to help out it's distant cousins who reside at my house. I think I might have a blackberry margarita tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  6. so, i found your blog some time back. While FB stalking random high school friends and reading Staci Browns blog (I think her kids are way to cute to not check up on).
    I've been lurking for quite a while and thought I should now admit it since I got several dirty looks for snickering (out loud) in my evening lecture at UAB.
    I finally just had to stop reading your old posts.

    I was paying attention to the lecture too...sorta.

    Anyway, wanted to say hey and let you know your post about being likened to the kool-aid character was just about the best thing that happened to me today.

    Oh and your NICU posts make me cry...gabriel (mine) was in for 40 days. At least I wasn't reading that one in class :)

    ReplyDelete

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