01 July 2009

The Great Syrup Incident of 2007

We buy the largest bottle of pancake syrup Publix makes, mostly because I like a good deal.

But, I'd like to make clear how large this bottle is and how much 2 quarts is in syrup before taking on this post that has been seething in my brain for almost 2 years.

2 quarts = 8 cups
4 quarts = 1 gallon

So, we are talking about a HALF A GALLON OF SYRUP.

Let's continue, shall we?

There I was, 7 1/2 months pregnant with Chase.

Every morning, back in those days, I would eat breakfast with Conner (which meant feeding Conner bite-by-bite... sigh) and then set him up with the Ultimate Baby Sitter, Noggin or Disney. On this particular day in question, his poison was Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, a frequent mind-number back in those days.

I finished breakfast, put away the dishes and made my way to shower after letting the dogs in on my way.

After my shower, I checked on Conner, who was still wrapped up in Mickey and ready for the next episode. I waited out the commercial break for the mind-numbing to restart.

As soon as it did, I started on that day's chore - the master bathroom. All I really wanted to accomplish was wiping down the counter tops and cleaning the bathtub. Back then, I used Scrubbing Bubbles, so I sprayed down the tub and turned on the water in the sink for wiping the counters.

I stepped out for a second to check on Conner. He was still in front of the television, sipping on his juice.

I walked back to the bathroom, shut off the sink (very, very hot water...), and got in the bathtub so I could wipe it down (pregnant, remember?). It took about 2 minutes to wipe it down with a sponge and during that time, Conner wandered in and acknowledged what I was doing and then left, closing the master bedroom door on his way out (the one that leads to the living room with Mickey on the television...) .

I thought nothing of it, because he frequently closed doors behind him, but knew he wasn't yet able to open them quickly, so I got out of the tub (turning on the water before I left, to let it warm) and re-opened the bedroom door.

Before I made my way back to the bathroom, I peeked out and noticed Conner wasn't in the living room but I heard him doing something in the kitchen/foyer/dining room area. It was very common, back then, for him to set his juice cup on the counter after breakfast or daze out the dining room windows in the morning, so I just wrote it off since I knew he sounded safe (and the house was very baby-proofed)

Back in the bathroom, the water was just getting hot. I used a bit to rinse off the Scrubbing Bubbles and rinsed out my sponge. Then, I took the sponge to the counter tops and began wiping them down. This took all of 5 minutes - MAX.

I wiped down once, and tried to dip the sponge in the water that I had reserved in the sink, but it was too hot. So, I set down the sponge and headed out the master bedroom's door to check on Conner again.

Only, I was met with a pool of.... something...

In my head, I thought something to the extent of "what.... is.... that...? Pee?" He was 2, so it was frequent that Conner would disrobe himself and randomly pee on our floors.

"Oh great", I thought and then something in the foyer caught my eye - a large puddle.

What?

I walk towards it, practically jumping over the puddle in front of the door to the bedroom.

It's all over the foyer's hardwood. I look left, towards the dining room.... this SOMETHING has been drizzled all over the gate (a 10 foot long gate that blocks entry to our dining room for Christmas or whenever I buy something breakable) (it was open at this point). There sits a 2-foot puddle.

It's then I start yelling for Conner. I walk across the foyer and into the kitchen. More something and it's then that I am hit with the most potent stench of maple.

Syrup.

Everywhere.

I go into "Extreme Pissed Mode" and follow a thick streak of maple syrup around the island in the kitchen and then out the foyer and down the hall. I follow this thick, dark line across my shag rug.... noting the large puddle on THAT as my brains began to boil.

I also begin logging the damage - the curtains, the entertainment center, the couch....

THE WALLS.

I follow the path down the CARPETED hallway, screaming Conner's name - I look into the bathroom - syrup, I look into Conner's bedroom - circles and circles of syrup... "it's like he chased...something..."....

And then, a growl. A "I am about to eat your face off, kid" growl coming from the closed playroom door. I fling it open in super-human time, and find Conner coating Charlie, my long-haired Jack Russell and RUBBING IT IN.

Squish, The Pug, breaks free of Conner's Syrup Wrath and flees the crime scene within seconds. Charlie darts after him.

In a little more than 5 minutes, Conner managed to drench the house in a ONE TIME USED (that morning, actually), FAMILY SIZED BOTTLE OF PANCAKE SYRUP. All 2 quarts were GONE and there, in his hands was the bottle with maybe a tablespoon left.

I grabbed him up, and threw him in his play crib.

WHERE WOULD I EVER START?

I assessed the damage in the playroom first, with tears streaming down my face. I am pregnant. I am tired. And now? Well, now my house is shellacked in maple syrup.

The playroom got it bad, Conner emptied at least 2 cups over his "ball basket" and toy box. At least 15 stuffed animals lost their lives that day.

The Elmo chair, which I loathed anyways, also met it's demise.

I yelled at Conner longer and louder and harder than I had ever before that morning. How could he DO THIS TO ME? I could barely get on my knees long enough to clean! He was screaming, crying and unable to answer one simple question I couldn't stop repeating "WHY?!?!?"

AND IT WAS SYRUP! Sticky and in my carpet and on my walls and HOW DOES ONE EVEN GET THIS MUCH SYRUP OUT??

I scrubbed on my knees all day and all night. I mopped 7 times that day alone. I steam cleaned my carpets 5 times over the next 2 days.

The dogs were in shock, and it took countless baths to get the matted hair in normal form.

All the rooms were professionally cleaned - twice.

Six months later, I was still finding syrup in my curtains. It was around this time we noticed our house no longer smelt of maple. God, did I hate that smell....

A year later, I finally got the last of the syrup out of my shag living room rug.

And yesterday? Yesterday, I picked the final remnants off the underbelly of the entertainment center.

It took 2 months for me to buy syrup again. It took 21 months to write this post. It might be safe to say I am finally over The Great Syrup Incident of 2007.




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7 comments:

  1. Okay, so I will stop complaining at the destructive midget that is my own toddler. You got it bad, girl. I have always wondered at her extreme destructiveness. Now I know it's not just her, it's lots of kids.

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  3. So THIS is why Conner is occasionally available for cheap &/or free! I gotta say, a mess that size seems like he just laid out a challenge for you.

    Congratulations on removing the last of the syrup!

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  4. PS - I'm not sure how I managed to delete my comment... It's just one of those days.

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  5. hmmm, so I shouldn't complain that Kylie threw my phone behind the screen on my wall heater this morning and that this is where currently sits?
    I don't know how Conner lived through that- I have a LOT of insurance on my kid... I mighta had to collect that day! lol

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  6. Oh, my! That post brought belly laughs from me!

    "At least 15 stuffed animals lost their lives that day.

    The Elmo chair, which I loathed anyways, also met it's demise."

    Those are two of my most favorite blog lines EVER!!!!

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  7. Teehee. I am glad I'm finally laughing about this...

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