04 August 2009

Dear Thyroid, I'd Like To Ask You to LEAVE

The only good thing about tonight is that I have the freedom to order whatever food I want as long as I keep it down. It's the last part I am having problems with, oh and as for the first part? Yeah, I live in Montgomery. So... it's either pizza or pizza.

I'll take pizza.

OHHhhhhh, I bet this means I get to order whatever I want ON the pizza. Score.
Which, I mean, I love me some green peppers and mushrooms and all - but I am a pizza FREAK. Like that kid that did whip-its out of the Ready Whip can WAY too many times? My pizzas look like that kid's brains.

True Story.

So, if I CAN order whatever I want - it'd (and now is, since I wrote this before I ordered and now I am editing but you didn't know that till I typed this so I should have just left it alone, but sometimes I type and then don't want to delete...) be thin crust, heavy sauce. I also want pepperoni and PINEAPPLE. Yummers. I am also a firm believe that you can put ANYTHING on a pizza, even if you'd normally not eat those things together - so I'd also like some spinach and banana peppers.

This is actually helping - the "writing out of the food" is.

I have been completely unable to keep anything down for a full 5 days. It's absolutely sickening, seriously.
The insomnia is major, but nothing I haven't dealt with before.
The hot flashes make me think I'm 65.
I am not, in fact, 65.

I'm barely 25. Ok, that's a lie. I'm a "solid" 25 seeing as this is August and that's close enough to 6 months out from my birth month. That's right. I get a whole month.

Wait. That's not true. I'm not a big birthday person. I mean, I'm as "birthday-ey" as the next person, really. I guess I've never expected much from them because my birthday was ALWAYS during either A.E.A. (HAA! can you believe I remembered that abbreviation?) aka SPRING BREAK or it landed on a holy holiday like Good Friday or Easter. Noteworthy: you are hanging out with the wrong people if they are ok with getting you wasted on one of God's extra special days. So. Yeah.

Also, along with not being able to eat OR really drink, and not sleeping... and feeling like an old hag.... my brain is this ball of mush. Woot.

In case you are wondering what the penis I am talking about, post-nursing with Conner, I got in a little altercation with my thyroid. It beat me pretty badly but for some reason or another the cops wouldn't let me press charges against myself. Freaks. Probably hung out with that kid hitting the Ready Whip can...

And now? Well, now post-nursing-Chase, I am down to a number on the scale that would make A) anorexics jealous B) healthy people think I am one of those anorexics and C) me totally freak out because I've felt "off" for several weeks and have been in complete denial about getting on the scale for fear that it would be a number lower than what I deem acceptable (ps - that means it's not near a number that can be comfortably rounded to "95") (pps - I am 4 freaking 10 people, I'm SUPPOSED to weigh 95. Stop doing weird numbers in your head and purging your lunch.)

Thanks to the Phenergran, I am now going to EAT THIS PIZZA OFF THE PLANET. That sounds dangerous. DANGEROUSLY YUMMY! (Amanda, just stop.) (hey! who said that?)

Oh, and don't you think the pizza guy is going to laugh his face off at an 83 pound girl ripping the pizza out of his hands and starts eating at the door while shoving money in his face?
Yeah, I do.


  1. 83 pounds? WOMAN. I want you to realize that your number is DANGEROUSLY close to being half my current weight. Of course, we must account for the fact that I'm nearly an entire foot (ew) taller than you.

    Back on topic... I hope you eat the ENTIRE pizza, then a couple cheeseburgers. But for real, get yourself better soon!

    PS - Who decided that 12 inches would be called a "foot"? That's just gross, people.

  2. I think I"m developing ADHD from reading your blog...

  3. I cannot stand pineapple on pizza, so I'm trying not to think about you eating pineapple and pepperoni. Ick.

    Sorry you haven't been feeling well. When you said you were sick and unable to keep anything down, I was kinda suspecting that possible 3rd baby was on the way. LOL.

  4. Where to start...

    I love pineapple on my pizza. Heck, i love peanut butter and pineapple sandwiches (chew on that one for a while).

    My sister is anorexic - has been since she was at Auburn (close to 17 years). She's 5'6" and weighs about 95. Scary, huh?

    So...you really aren't pregnant? If this is your thyroid, I would ask to have it removed from the premises - not just press charges!!

    And yeah, reading that blog was similar to what I would expect an acid trip to feel like! lol.

    Feel better soon...please!

  5. @Blondie - FINALLY, someone normal who likes pineapple.

    Second, I'm sorry about your sister. Don't let her read my blog. Word on the street - I poke fun at anoxerics while talking about how good food is. Probably not something she'll be into...

    Third, I'm REALLY NOT PREGNANT. Sheesh, people. I've put in an eviction notice for the thyroid. It's not compliant.

    Fourth, I have NEVER in my life received such an awesome compliment. I want to shower your with gold coins and leprechauns. TRUE STORY.

  6. mmm pineapple and more of it please... and a lots of feta!

    have you tried a restraining order on the Roid? Dont let em get to your chin!

    i sure do miss you.

  7. Wouldn't it be so great if we could dictate our thyroid function instead of it dictating us FUNCTIONING?!

    I feel you, girl.

    Great ranting, MomJob.

    I hope you'll send us a Dear Thyroid letter. Love your outspokenness.


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