24 August 2009

Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Myyyy Mirena.

I feel like I'm smuggling some ultra-awesome, covert weapon of mass destruction, yet the size of a snicker's fun-sized bar, in my cervix. Kinda like that tiny gun Will Smith's character carries in the beginning of the first "Men in Black"? Tons of power within Itty-bittyLivingSpace (think: Aladdin's Genie on that last part... love me some Robin Williams) 

(oh, fun fact: he ad-libbed most of the Genie - so much so that they had over 16 hours of sound from him alone.) 
(additional fun facts from Robin Williams: favorite quotes:
 "Cocaine is God's way of telling you you make way too much money"
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"See, the problem is that God gave men both a brain and a penis, and only enough blood for one to work at a time."
"A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.")
(I have SOOOOO many more favorites.... Alas, another time... le sigh.)

So, my uterus.

I violated it.

It's not the first time though, so it expects this type of behavior from me. AND BOY, does it like to show how pissed it is. It's all "honey, I feel like you don't appreciate me" and "geez... you care about everything else but me" and when it comes around to That Time, it... like most women, goes all "I'm going to murder your face off" and kicks and screams and slams the frig door in my face and I'm all "dude. WHAT.EVER."

Since some of you crazies don't follow moi on Twatter, here's a few snip-its:

Me = waiting room, enters an OBVIOUSLY first time soon-to-be mother and her husband , *cue swooning* over pixelated grey photos of their precious Gift:

Woman in Ob office looking @ ultrasound photo "I just can't believe she's grown!". Repeat. 15 times. Yes lady - THEY GROW.

OMG - THEY GROW??!?!?!???!?!!!!!?!?!?!??????????????????
Holy Bananas, people. You aren't just getting fatter.
She'll probably name her Dime or Nickel. Quarter needs a playmate (and I'm not linking that because YOU need to be a better Mom Job Stalker. Get. To. It.)

Then we have a "Picture This Story":
I am told to undress from the waist down. Sorry ladies and gents, but I am obligated to tell you that they suggest you get the Mirena placed (seriously, placed? inserted? shoved in?) while you are Being Visited... so there I am... Being Visited... undressed... and Chase is RUNNING AROUND THE ROOM WITH THE VAGINAL JELLY. Can't Chase him - risk gigantic mess. I can yell - mildly effective. Good thing I brought the "well-behaved" child...

At some point, he realized the vagina jelly didn't taste all that great (joke) and he decided to join me on the exam table. Only thing - he ripped at the only shred of covering I had over my lower regions to get up there. 

Frickin' Brilliant.

I am now in mid-mental-debate as to whether I should just throw the thing away, rip off a long strip and wear it Brazilian Bikini Style or make a paper snowflake.

I'm not telling which one I chose.

Then Dr. Violate Your Insides came in - discussed the Mirena with me, and asked me to spread em. Oh. Right... *cough*... this goes THERE.... er... can't I just take it home with me and think about it?

He remarked about my cervical placement... apparently it's flat or low or Not Where It Should Be or Something... here's the exact tweet:

Dr. said "wow" in regards to my cervical placement. I'm going to take this as the highest of gynecological compliments.

You know... "wow" is what I am accustomed to hearing from people starring at my lady parts. (SORRY MOM... ) (how many of you consider your relatives when writing a post?) (I "consider" them... consider how MORTIFIED they will be... hehe)

Dr. McViolater then mutilated his way into my cervical floor and nudged some crazy ninja stuff up cozy with the bottom of my uterus.
My reaction:

Um. <|><£|{€£,£?~£¥~|{£¥€,€}\€!::?@&(&)&?:\£+€~\\<. OUCH!

Yeah. That's pretty much Not English.

Dr. McViolater explained that due to my Insides and Whatnot, I'd probably hurt more. Gah-reat.

I went to CVS post-maul and browsed nail polish while waiting on my antibiotic spiked with pain "I like pleasure spiked with pain, music is my aeroplane....." aaaaaaaaadddderrrrrrrralllllllllll

Oh. Yes. Nail polish... I looked like a schizo by the time I left - about 6 different colors streaked across different nails. I heart nail polish. I bought hair accessories instead. Took me two seconds to pick those out... I'm an odd duck.

Yeah. I've been Mirena'd.
Here's my Mirena Christmas Wish List:
  • No babies.
  • No babies.
  • No babies.
  • Boooooooooooobies (it's LIKELY and I can DREAM so SHUT YOUR FACE)
  • Weight gain
  • No babies.
  • Boobies.
How do you feel about grey metallic nail polish?

Yes, I keep a box of Vanilla Wafers in my car. LOOK AT THE POLISH. Freaks.
(Oh, just follow me on Twatter already: http://twitter.com/themomjob)


  1. This post is total insanity. Just sayin.' The best kind of course. Hilarious.

    I had the Mirena too. I'm not going to tell you what happened. (no, not pregnancy...)

  2. HEATHER! GASP! I want no bad stories... EEKERS! (I've only read about 1.7 trillion online...)
    Sorry if this ruins our Get Pregnant In September Plan. I've had a current "change of heart"... so to speak...
    And yes, I clearly need medication.

  3. They say they only give Mirena to married women who have already had their kids, who just want to avoid more kids.

    As an unmarried single gal and owner of a never-before-raporized cervix, I was told up front "hell no," and so I went doctor-hopping til one doc said, "Eh, your funeral."

    So the funny part about my getting mine, is as this doctor was wrist deep in the you-know-what, the NURSE starts looking like SHE's about to pass out as my doc has to make not one, two, but many attempts at getting the IUD in place.

    It was bad enough for me, but the nurse is looking faint and the doctor, quite frankly, looked a little peaked himself.

    I am already dreading getting out in another 3 years...

    But, it's awesome right now. I never liked The Visits anywho.


  4. Kera,
    Luckily for you, the next Mirena "placement" won't be as bad. Now, you've violated your cervical floor - much like had you of dialated and given birth. An old friend of mine had a "similar experience" because she had never given birth vaginally - 3 kids, all c-sections.
    Congrats on compromising your cervical floor! Now go throw yourself a party!
    Oh, and they can also give you the same medicine they gave me - Cytotec - which helps dialte you making the "shove it in" process go much more smoothly.

    That's it.

  5. Okay...I offically do not want Mirena. I might risk a fourth kid than have that done! YIKES!
    By the way, I laughed at you (not with you...sorry) going to an appt. in b'ham early...well...I showed up a week early for open house to my kids kindergarten. Yes, that's a good way to start the year. You know their thinking...she'll never read the manual! Shoulda never laughed...out loud.

  6. Well now. I don't know what I'm going to do when baby number 2 has come and gone, but the thought of an IUD really freaks me out. And it did even before I read this, so...

  7. This post made me sit with my knees together and my lower muscles locked in a Kegel...

  8. My husbands darn company is Catholic based and said a big old HELL no when I tried to get that darn thing! I would have had to pay for the piece itself as well as for the dr to jam it up. But after reading your post and those comments I am glad I decided to not pay $700 for that experience.

    I will pray to the boobie gods that they grant you a nice new PERKY set.

    ALSO, thank you for that post it cracked up and after this day I NEEEEEEEDED that.

    ALSO, love the nail polish.

  9. Tamara gets the prize for answering the most important question in this post - she approves of the grey metallic polish.

    AGAIN - Tamara wins.
    When am I ever going to make it to LI??
    Heart your face.
    PS - I'd totally steal a Mirena from my OB/GYN but then we'd have to buy a lot of wine, one of those round hamburger molds to hold you open, an anatomy book (or google), and GLOVES.
    I'd do that for you. That's the kind of friend I am.

  10. I was thrown by the placement of your driverseat! I'm going native... Anyways, I love the nail polish

    You make me laugh so hard.


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