31 August 2009

You Don't Want to be My Neighbor

SO.
I'm still stalking my neighbor.

Except, I'm stalking without peeking in windows, or even leaving my house...

Maybe I should have worded that "i'm still TALKING about my neighbor"
and it should be "neighborS" because NOW, finally... they've all shown up. (Except, I still haven't seen her. OH! and I think she might be Asian ... which would make for the third Asian wifey married to an AF Officer on this street ALONE - and it's a weird conspiracy that I'm totally interested in figuring out... What's with the Very White AF Officer and the Amanda-is-too-stupid-to-know-what-ethnicity-but-it's-something-Asian wifey??)

Last week, I hypothesized that they were possibly into some really freaky stuff because why on EARTH would you have a semi-truck come back (WITH! WORKERS! EACH! DAY!) every day, for 4 days straight? That's a LOT of stuff, peoples. Like, 4 trucks worth.

Yes, they are a large family (4 kids) (I still haven't seen anyone other than him), but this house is maybe? 2,500-2,600 square feet. How much stuff could you have without a basement?

No attic either.

And they relocated from Who Knows Where But Really Far Away, so all those things MUST be valuable - to them...

AND - they bought new furniture when they got here - two truckloads of Rooms To Go and Haverty's came and went bringing living room and dining room furniture and new bedroom suits. WHAT ELSE CAN YOU FILL FOUR TRUCKS WITH IF YOU AREN'T BRINGING FURNITURE?????

I thought "Ok... what could all that stuff be"... and then that made me remember that one episode of Secret Lives of Women on Lifetime (maybe? Lifetime? Or something... Oxygen?). Yeah... Oxygen I think... anyways.. It's the episode where the woman is a hoarder and she collects/stashes-in-her-lair tons and tons of Halloween masks (like... Hollywood rate masks). She totally freaked me out. All that clutter AND it's all creepy masks?
HELLO, CHILDHOOD ISSUES - WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM McCREEPSTER?

I went there. With my neighbors.

What totally off-the-wall thing were they unloading into that house that required 4 semi-trucks?
A. Lot.
My current theory (via twitter):

Oh! Since they *do* have 4 kids, maybe they are into some really freaky s.ex toys & gadgets (etc) & THAT is what all these semis are for?

Yeah. That's GOT TO BE RIGHT, right?
Because I am a reponsible neighbor, I followed it with this:


That's it! It's semi-truck after semi-truck of se.x toys! OMG! TELL THE NEIGHBORS! HIDE THE CHILDREN!

Then yesterday, I think I saw Mr. New Next Door Neighbor with the Nice Church People Welcome Wagon... I'm guessing they don't know about the sex toy habit. Which is why you should always spy on your neighbors, so you don't go barging into a 2-story home full of dildos.

File this under: Things To Delete Before Telling New Neighbor About My Blog.

5 comments:

  1. Buahahahahahha. You and the things your brain comes up with. For reals. I do heart your face off. My Monday just got 10 times better.

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  2. You really ought to just tag it with that filename. Makes things a lot easier!

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  3. wow. NEVER. EVER. live close to me. K? love!

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  4. Alright, so as long as you realize that publishing your new strange neighbors super-freaky business might get you chained to a sex toy in the house next door. Or maybe they will sell you to one of her family members back home as a concubine or something... Just kidding! Haha, but really... I might make this a private post before introducing them to your journalistic fantasies... Ciao!

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  5. I have neighbors that make me go, "Hmmm," too! One of the houses across from me is a rental (long story, but who RENTS a 2500 sq ft, $300,000+ house, anyway?) and there are different renters every few months. Whoever lives there (EVERY.TIME.) never comes out of the house, leading to speculation of just what (who?) they are doing in there or just WHERE THE HECK ARE THEY? They never mow the grass, too. I never thought about sex toys, though...

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