21 September 2009

He Might As Well Of Brought Home Calculus. Or Meth.

Nothing is scarier than a 4-year-old boy with scissors. Except maybe, MY 4-year-old boy with scissors. Something about his genes armed with sharp, pointy things just scream "CUT YOUR FACE OFF, but it was an accident". See?

My uterus is trembling. It thinks he's coming back for revenge. Eek. Ers.

This year, as we progress into more Real School-esque Activities (note: as opposed to last year when it was just Structured Coloring), Conner has "homework". And yes, it's exactly how you remember the early days of homework.

Conner comes home with a work sheet. I pour vodka into my eyeballs. We sit at the table. He gets frustrated cutting out a straight line for the monkeys. I do a line of straight ground coffee bean with a rolled up piece of construction paper right off his syllabus (going to be a long night).. He screams because his number 2 (not that number 2) doesn't look like it's supposed to. I debate boarding school.

You know - EXACTLY like you remember homework.

Today, he brought home the Glue Suitcase.
Holy Moley, he brought home glue.

Let me tell you how much patience Conner has for this project:
*&@(#%$%@* ? m;*!@ #%!@&p;^$#(@JIUNY&  ^*;!@^#()P _!)(@#_)(+! +_($#&a!?


Which, I have about 2.3 characters more than that, so I TOTALLY get it.
The instructions:

"Glue is very difficult for your kindergartener" - well, hot damn, why am I paying you? And all these instructions! I figured if they are calling the glue bottle "the baby", I could say "don't squeeze the baby" without getting a "WTF?" look from Conner. Which would make me WRONG. He DID give me the WTF Look and I asked "do you call this 'the baby' at school?" to which he replied "that's glue".

Oh, right.

And isn't gluing supposed to be fun? Who even USES liquid glue anymore? Don't they still have those glue sticks? This is akin to learning cursive writing. Who the f writes in cursive? We should learn our name in cursive and that's IT.

I remember fondly making glue puddles on my desk. Where's the opportunity to do that? Well, it's most certainly not in these instructions.

"Make skinny lines of glue close to the edge, not right next to the edge..." FOR SERIOUS? I get it, yes. But when I explained that to Conner it SOUNDED LIKE DUTCH.
"No, not in the middle, your teacher said for it to be close to the edge. Ok, that's ON the edge, a little farther out... no... that's still really close to the edge... farther in.. EP! That's kinda the middle again..."

And that's when you just ask "could you practice lefty loosy, right tighty for me?" - "now don't watch as mommy sniffs the glue."

Just be glad I didn't blog about having him learn to sign his name in his own blood drawn from last week's scissor suitcase. THOSE cherished memories will be forever in a scrapbook somewhere on my coffee table.... Ahhhhhhhh....


  1. Oh my dear GOD. I am crying from laughing so friggin hard. I seriously do heart your face off. I completely understand because Koen is the same way. Wow. Amanda, wow. There should be awards given like the emmys for the best blog. Seriously- you would win- hands down. Wow, I think I'm going to read that again just to laugh some more. You are amazingly hilarious.

  2. Hehe. THANK YOU, CHASA!!!! :)

  3. WTF is wrong wiht your son's school?

  4. I haven't had to do this yet, but OMG - seriously? Is this NORMAL? Am I going to have to do this? Because seriously, that sucks. And what about teaching them to just make an "X" on the piece of paper? Or using paste w/ those little brushes or sticks instead? I certainly didn't have glue in my own pencil box in Kindergarten. And they're right. It is hard. But should THEY be teaching such skills? Hmmm.

  5. Wow. I am sure you were ready to tear your hair out, but this is hilarious! Those instructions slay me. How is any child supposed to follow those?! I also think it's so funny that "gluing" is a skill so critical to your child's future that it requires homework. I'm betting the Ivy League counts gluing right up there with high SAT scores...


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