23 September 2009

My Top 3 Gross Things You Might Have Never Thought About But I'll Ruin. Except Santa. He's Been Ruined Forever.

And today: I'm feeding your OCD with my top 3 "Most Likely Absolutely Disgusting Things That You've Totally Never Thought About But Will Now Attempt to Sanitize". See? This is why I don't have a job writing titles for magazine articles.

Number 3: Santa
That's right. He's been whoring around small, disease-riddled varmint for two weeks by the time you drag your precious cargo bedazzled in their least hideous concoction of puke green and red plaid to the lap of this jolly-old soul.

Little do you think, before plopping your kids into his lap, just where that lap has been.

That kid you saw picking his nose and eating it about 10 kids in front of you? Same lap. Same white gloves. Same beard. Germs still a lingerin'.

The little girl that was there yesterday with her siblings who was, only hours prior, developing a mild cough that is now at home with full-blown AIDS swine flu? Yeah. She totally sneezed on her sleeve before hugging Saint Nick.

And now? You are sitting your children into one big pile of Awesomely Nasty Things.
Good job.

Number 2: Your credit cards.
Every time I am out on errands, I touch and touch and touch and touch and touch and touch and touch (I do a lot of touching) some more and then, the culmination of all the germs I've collected land in ONE place: my method of payment.

And then? I swipe it through the same place that all the people BEFORE me's culminated germs landed as well.
Freakin' great.

Think about this some more: the pharmacy.
That's where I go to get my prescriptions when I am dieing sick, and even when I spare the world my excessive germs by using the drive-thru service, what one item gets passed from my sick bubble to the store and back into my bubble?
The credit card (I use my own pen, pleaseandthankyou).

Wipe yours off with clorox wipes! EWWW!

Number 1: Birthday Cake

Ooh. That's right.

This occurred to me last year? I think?

For your consideration:
Conner was ALWAYS "sick", like always. We couldn't plan anything without being fully aware that the odds of us lugging a congested or snotty child around were pretty high (which meant we didn't do anything, not that we chose to expose the general population to his germy germs - DO THE SAME FOR ME).

But birthdays? Well... we just ranked how "sick" Conner was and decided that his occasional cough, lethargy and stuffy nose were just "ok" to be around since he was NOT contagious.

Fast forward: Candle Blowing and Song Time.
The cake.
One deep breath in from my soon-to-be 3-year-old AND the exhale - wooooooooooooosh - fire out.

Now, the cake has been SPRINKLED with my son's germs.

Who wants a corner piece?


  1. Omgoodness.... this is totally why I carry hand sanitizer and lysol spray with me everywhere... the santa thing... SOOOO GROSS!!! roflmbo...

    Thanks for feeding the ocd... and setting off a cleaning sweep... =)

  2. Santa shows up here sometime around the first of November...we will be first in line!

    I carry hand sanitizer and sanitizing wipes everywhere (and I am not even a true germophobe, remember that I've spent the better part of 16 years on the receiving end of your germ riddled prescription) but now I think I need to buy more...

  3. How do you think Santa would feel about my lysol-ing him prior to usage?

  4. The Santa thing had never even crossed my mind. SICK!!!!

    Thank you very much! I will now be wiping some poor mans frontal regions down with my HIV killing wipes.

  5. I had actually thought about Santa (hello, classic SNL skit) and the birthday cake, but NOT credit cards! Thanks! One more thing to freak out about, lol!

  6. That is why I am a firm believer in smash cakes till at least age 5.....no germies for baby or me. Just sayin'

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  8. This is a fabulous post. I like to sanitize my cell phone (because I answer it when I'm out), but I never thought to sanitize my credit card. Germophobe genius!

    Also - the pen thing at the drive through? I try to always use my own pen whenever I sign a credit card receipt - at the bank, grocery, restaurant, wherever. The pens they provide give me the heebie jeebies. (My husband thinks I am a huge weirdo. And he always points out that the teller/checker/clerk probably thinks I'm a weirdo too.)


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