11 October 2009

This Is What You're Looking For

 I have to be honest here - I am forcing this post out because I feel I owe it to you guys who have been nothing but completely amazing and supportive through this entire adventure. This entry will come with a lot of tears on my part, so my apologies if it is all over the place, short, vague or anything else other than what you'd normally expect from me.

Some of you think you know what's going on. I can assure you, however, that not a single person reading this right now knows the truth. I am completely, entirely, shattered. And I can not say with 100% certainity that I have all of the pieces to put them back together. Some of my pieces aren't even mine.

If for some reason you believe you DO know what's going on - well, kudos. You've won a game you created. But let me assure you that unless you ARE me (hello, me), what you think you know is merely a gathering of your own perceptions, opinions, observations and assumptions. Those things do not add up to the entire picture. I don't expect you to understand that maybe, just maybe, I can both in the wrong and in the right at the same time.

When I set out to start this blog, I wanted to establish an identity for myself that I had in the works my entire life. A person that I felt I wanted to be, a person I knew I could be - a new me. Someone who had more confidence, who wasn't afraid to make jokes that she knew other people might not get while the others laughed because it was just what they wanted to here. I wanted to stop hiding the girl that found happiness something that was ok to enjoy.
(and this is the line I broke down on)
I never expected what I got from just that.

To accept the person you always wanted to be, the person that depression can hide and a lack of confidence can push down, means you must accept a certain degree of extreme change.

A good change.

An absolutely amazing change.

One that I wish I could say, right now, I didn't regret.

But unfortunately, I think I just may.

This is something that I can't keep choking down and avoiding with additional sentences....

Sometimes. Maybe - the person you are when you are at your lowest... the person that IS depressed and can't be the 'better version'... maybe that person is controlled and repressed just enough to find happiness in tiny moments. It's completely possible that the boring, repressed, undefinable, moldable, impressionable version of me is just a way for me to be ok with being nothing more than the lists of "justs" I have. Just a housewife. Just a mom. Just Amanda.

With that... I consider it unfortunate that I worked on being better at life. Trying to beat the game doesn't always work. Sometimes you simply have to accept the person you never wanted to be for the sake of others.

I love you all. And I'll try my best to keep up this site. I just can't promise anything like what's been here before....
That person is already gone.

10 comments:

  1. Amanda,

    I don't pretend that I know what's going on. I'm not someone who knows you personally, just someone who enjoys reading your blog. I can tell that you're hurting. Hang in there, things will look up and you will find all the pieces.

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  2. Hi, Amanda.

    I am just a housewife...
    I am just a mom...
    I am just Janna.

    Nice to meet you.

    (I, too, am clueless but I will pray for you.)

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  3. Well, like everyone else, I'm still confused. I wish you'd clarify this game you keep refering to. I'm sorry you going through such a rough time though.

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  4. Will noodles fix it? I can send more! But probably not. Thinking of you, Amanda.

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  5. Amanda. I don't know you that well, but I do know you are strong.whatever is going on you will come out of it even stronger. I will keep you in my prayers!

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  6. I don't know you well, but I do know that you are not "just" anything. Whatever it is you are going through, I hope that you reach out and get the help that you need, whatever that may be.

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  7. I don't know what's going on, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. I love listening to the corners of your life that you wish to share, so I hope you can still keep us up to date, but you do what you need to do. Hugs.

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  8. :( No idea what you're going through, but I'm sorry you're going through it. Hang in there!

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  9. Likewise I don't know whats up but I hope you can get thru it. When I am at my lowest my blog is the first thing to go. As Christian living the non-ideal christian life I may have some insight (or not) email if you want to chat. Maddy_bess@yahoo.ca

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  10. Amanda,
    I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time. I'm sure that you remember when I kept a very emo blog when Phil and I broke up. You were the only person to comment and tell me that it'll get better, and I really appreciated that...that being said, if there is anything at all I can do to ease whatever it is going on in your life right now, do let me know.

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