09 November 2009

Fail-Safe Aging Secrets

There you go. Fill that with money... because I am about to share an amazing trick that will make you all go "I wonder how much money I should send Amanda for this amazing piece of knowledge. Is a box full enough?"

Answer: No, but because I love all of you a box will do just fine.
(I'd recommend getting that Box O'Money weighed for proper shipping fees)

How To Feel Younger Overnight:

Step 1 - Go through a really stressful situation. The more stressful, the better. (this isn't called How To Feel BETTER Overnight, just 'younger') (stop complaining) ($5.95 for shipping and handling for excessive bitching) (it's in the fine print).

Step 2 - Forget your 'actual' age. This works best if you genuinely forget it. None of that fake "oh damn! I forgot to thaw out the meat! Guess it's pizza tonight" crap. I am talking about "wow. I have no clue what happened last night but I know vodka and the Cotton Eyed Joe were involved" forgetting. THAT kind of forget.

Step 3 - Tell everyone your 'new' age. (higher than your actual age or this doesn't work) By 'everyone' I clearly mean 'the internet'.

Step 4 - Correct your husband in public when he mentions your 'real' age. Insist he is being an asshole for getting it wrong.

Step 5 - Do this enough that eventually your husband gets annoyed and corrects YOU for being so wrong.

Step 6 - Remember that you are *supposed* to be forgetting your 'actual' age and act confused because you sincerely believe that you are your 'new' age.

Step 7 - Have husband rolling on the floor laughing because he thinks you have for reals forgotten how old you are.

Step 8 - Frantically google "age if birthday is xx-xx-1984". Come up with nothing. Try about 4 different versions of this sentence praying for an "age calculator".

Step 9 - Fail at finding an app for that.

Step 10 - Have a complete stranger point out that he was born a month after you and is currently your 'real' age.

Step 11 - Congratulations. Instead of thinking you are 26, and have been for the last 2+ months, you realize you are in REAL LIFE 25.

Yeah. I gained a year.

Thank me later.

Or just go ahead and send in that box of money.


  1. wow- maybe a little less of said vodka Amanda.. lol

  2. I love you and your wily ways! hahaha... But don't you have enough trouble convincing people you are as old as you say your are? I do. I get carded all the time! By the same stores, same bars, they just don't believe me! :)

  3. Hahahaha...I had the Flu during my 24th birthday...slept straight through it...so for a whole year I continued on saying that I was 23...THEN I turned 25!!!!! I gained a damn year!!!! I was perfectly happy in my diluted thinking!! My damned mother in law had to ruin it for me!!! I do not think I have fully forgiven her!! It has been 10 yrs!! Hahahah

  4. True story...

    When Will was one (just over two years ago), a guy at church asked Jeff if I was his...wait for it...MOTHER! In reality, Jeff is almost 2 years older than I am. I am of the mind that this was more of a reflection on Jeff, who at 41 looks like he's maybe 22 (with some nice gray hair), than on me (you have your vodka, I have me delusions).

    Of course, I still enjoy the story about the door-ro-door salesman who asked Jeff - when he was in his early thirties - "Is your Mom or Dad home?" Yeah, dude, that's the way to sell whatever you're selling!


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