29 March 2010

Now on HushAmanda.com

http://hushamanda.com

I will redirect themomjob.net traffic to hushamanda.com starting next week.

24 March 2010

Change your subscription/feed

NOT HERE.

But here.

Also, update your google reader with http://hushamanda.com -. The "add a subscription" button is in the top left hand corner and looks like this:

You can subscribe to my RSS feed for Hush, Amanda by clicking this (I hope this works, at least).



18 March 2010

WHAT Are You Doing Here?!?

WHAT are you doing here? At themomjob.net? I have a new site! Check it out!
http://hushamanda.com

Same fiesty me - different look and URL.

15 March 2010

The Big Switch

Maybe click here for some big news. 

13 March 2010

Don't Bring Your Vagina To Home Depot

I really wish I were better at stick people. That way, I could draw you all a picture of what happens when a small framed woman ventures into Home Depot alone on a Saturday morning.

(updated: I give you a crap version of what I wish I could give you as an illustration. Just take it.)

(Also added: Mike wanted me to put boobs (and a vagina) on my picture. I said no. This is called "creative license")

I find exactly what I want, a paint trimmer, and decide to browse the aisles for a few minutes since I'm in a rare state known as Free Of Offspring.

I find myself still in the paint section, contemplating whether it'd be safe to go ahead and purchase the supplies for refinishing my bedroom dresser, deciding that it's best not to start that project until the walls are finished. While I'm standing there, a nice employee asks "Can I help you with anything?" and I politely turn down his offer.

I move over an aisle, still checking out the paint, when another friendly worker asks the same question and I, again, turn down the help. "I'm just browsing, thanks." I say.

Ok. Done with paint. (I am super excited about refinishing this dresser though!)

Time to go home? Ehhh, not yet. I walk over to the rugs giving that our large living room rug is currently rolled up and sitting in our foyer. A victim of last week's stomach bug and also of Charlie's revenge for the new puppy, said rug is now covered in a comforting mix of dog urine, vomit and spilled milk (Chase's fault).

It's nasty.
I have plans for a Redneck Rug Cleaning: one rug, my driveway, a sunny weekend day and the water hose.

Anyways. I browse the rugs during which time another employee asks if I'd like any assistance. "Nope, I'm good" I insist.

Moving on to bathroom fixtures, we are unhappy with the ones that came "with" this home; they were just something we didn't think about when picking out 'upgrades' and they don't match. During my 3 minute rendezvous with the bathroom fixtures, another employee offers his "services".

Let me wrap this up by saying my next, and final browsing, was down the aisle with lots of stuff I didn't need. At the end of this aisle were two workers stocking shelves.

Guy In Orange #1: Can I help you with something?
Me: No thanks.
Guy In Orange #1: You sure?
Me: Yes. I got what I need. Thanks.
Guy In Orange #2: You look like you need some help.
Me: Really? No. I'm ok. I'm just browsing.
Guy In Orange #2: Ok. But if you are lost, I can help.

OMG REALLY? I'm not LOST and by "I got what I need, thanks" what I mean is "LEAVE ME ALONE".

What is so hard about this? Just because I'm female and 'browsing' in a hardware store I'm automatically "lost and confused". There are shelves and shelves of tools and things that require torque and Man Juice, and because I'm in their proximity and With Vagina I'm SURELY in need of a pair of balls and someone in an orange vest to hold my hand.

O bother.

12 March 2010

7 Quick Takes To Cure My Ailing Blog


--1--

Poor neglected blog! It's been a whole week since I put up an actual post with some substance! But, I have good reason. Or 4 reasons since all 4 of us had the stomach bug/flu from Friday to Tuesday. I have no idea how we survived.






--2--

In non-vomit related news, I've been in Super Tease Mode for a week now because I have a HUGE (ok, it's only big to me) (that's what she said?) news for next week. Tenatively, I expected to announce it by next Thursday, but I'm starting to think that a) I'm ahead of schedule and b) I just have NO patience.

I've never been one for huge surprises, mostly because patience feels like a time bomb in my viens.
Just so you know, I'm really excited and can't wait to share with all of you. How about I finish up a few lose ends and go ahead and show all of you on Monday?






--3--

Tosh.o slays me. Watch it. Comedy central. Fridays. No idea what time. Google it.






--4--

As many of you know, Layla Grace went to Heaven on Tuesday, March 9th.

I don't really know what to say. Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers.






--5--

I mentioned Chuggington on twitter, a new show on the Disney channel. Chase is IN LOVE. Talking trains? Yes, please.

Something I've noticed recently with Chase, he sings a lot. Any show with a theme song that he's heard more than 5 times and he's got at least a few words memorized. Funny enough, memorizing songs is something I've always been good at - too bad I can't sing worth crap.





--6--

Yesterday, I drove both boys to Birmingham for a pulmonology check-up at Children's for Conner. It just blows my mind to see them walking together into the hospital after all Chase went through.

Such big boys!






--7--

Annnnnd...
The Eclipse trailer was released yesterday. I'm NOT  fan of the replacement for Victoria. Smart move not having the new chick in the trailer for longer than 3 seconds.

I've also heard several good things about Remember Me with R. Pattz. Hope to see that as soon as it comes out on DVD.

Have a great weekend!
Find more Quick Takes at Conversion Diary.

10 March 2010

Oy Vey, Barf.

We survived the stomach flu, and now I'm buried in (no lie) a 3 foot tall MOUND of laundry. Once I find the tile, at least I think it's still there, I'll blog. Swear.

04 March 2010

IF YOU ARE THE BITCHY RECEPTIONIST LADY I'M TALKING ABOUT, THEN PLEASE REFER TO THE LAST 3 LINES

Just got back from one of those instances in life where I am damn thankful I have a blog - DAMN THANKFUL, I SAY, BITCHY RECEPTIONIST LADY.

Setting: First speech pathology appointment at Conner's New Speech Place. We are in a classroom-turned-office-space in the middle of a typical brick building for communications courses and whatnot.  This same building has a "child development"center down the hall - so it's easy to say this place sees it's fair share of children.

There are about 7 chairs in the waiting room, so it's small.

ANYWAYS.

As many know, university parking is a STEW POT OF SUCK, and on the first day, I did not have University Level Access For Vehicle Stability Placement (read: parking pass). So, I parked where I could, hauled butt in the FREEZING COLD and 15-20 MPG WINDS, unloaded two icicle children and hiked 7.89 trillion miles to the speech center.

Bitchy Lady: Where are you parked?
Me: In the parking lot with the other cars (lol)
Bitchy Lady: Well, here's the pass. Put it in your window so you don't get a Fake Ticket.
Me: ....
Me: Um. IT'S COLD AS YOUR CROTCH OUTSIDE AND YOU WANT ME TO HIKE BACK OUT WITH BOTH CHILDREN, YOU WHORE. (read: "ok. thanks")

I exited with said children, hiked backwards uphill through the snow, placed my Special Permit in the windshield and returned to fill out 15,000 sheets of the same 6 questions, only reworded.

That day, the same lady managed to tell me that I couldn't USE MY PORTABLE DVD PLAYER TO ENTERTAIN MY 2-YEAR-OLD IN THE OFFICE ON A MORE THAN REASONABLE VOLUME LEVEL. I hate her whole life.

Additionally:
Bitchy Whore Lady With Way Too Many Thorns In Her Vag tells me:

  • To keep my 2-year-old "more quiet" because "this is an office" 
  • That she doesn't "do" insurance paperwork and I should ask again... "later". SERIOUSLY, MIGHT I SUGGEST YOU THINK OF A BETTER ANSWER TO MY INSURANCE-RELATED QUESTIONS THAN "MAYBE LATER.
But... the speech doctor lady was nice and I liked the program, so we stayed with this place. 

Then today, I bring Conner in for his weekly lesson. Chase is being EXCEPTIONALLY UNRULY, more than normal because I have to wake him from his afternoon nap 20 minutes early to make these appointments.

To calm him, I bring his typical 3:30 treat - some fruit snacks.

Bitchy Vamp Of Doom: *manages to pry lard butt from swivel chair* Excuse, ma'am. You can't have food in here. 
Me: *evil "eff off" face* Um. Where am I supposed to feed him his snack?
Bitchy Vamp Of Doom: Well. There's a courtyard outside with some seating.

Yeah.

I grab up: my phone, Chase's snack, my keys, Chase's shoes that he managed to remove (because he always does), Conner's work folder (read: a billion items) AND MY WIGGLY 27 LB. CHILD and "help" myself to this "courtyard o' snack paradise".

It's next to a parking lot. With a 2-year-old. Boy. WHO NEEDS HIS SNACK.
F**king prick.

EXPLAIN TO ME, POINTLESS RULE NAZI, WHY MY TODDLER CAN'T HAVE A NOT-MESSY-IN-THE-LEAST FRUIT CHEW THAT I WAS ADMINISTERING TO HIM IN A NOT-AT-ALL-MESSY MANNER THAT WOULD NORMALLY TAKE AN ENTIRE 2 MINUTES IN YOUR PRECIOUS PRETEND DOCTOR'S OFFICE, BUT INSTEAD HAD TO MORPH INTO A WRESTLING MATCH IN THE COURTYARD (IN 45 DEGREE WEATHER AND 20 MPH WINDS) FOR A HALF HOUR.

I'm not opposed to rules (only allergic), so I will admit this: as with many buildings, there was a sign that read "no food or drink". Perhaps, here are a few instances where said rule should be adhered to:






not:


AND MAYBE, I'd understand your Nazi ways a little better if you worked in say....

or

(Lions LOVE fruit snacks. Trust me)

BUT NO, Slutty McWhoreFace, it's a office in which you've:
  • Banned my portable DVD player
  • Asked me to keep my child silent
  • And are likely to enforce the "NO CELL PHONES, PLEASE" sign I noticed in the hallway.
Basically, in summary -

Dear Receptionist,
EAT ME.

- Amanda

03 March 2010

The Mail Must Go Through - Monday through Friday

A facebook friend linked this article from CNN on the USPS's consideration to end Saturday deliveries. Her husband works for the postal service, and she wouldn't mind them cutting down to a 5-day delivery week.

In my opinion, this isn't such a bad idea at all. I can't remember the last time I anxiously awaited something OF ACTUAL IMPORTANCE to come via snail mail. Does the census count? I'm a dork for federally mandated surveys.

Many Saturdays I think we forget the mail is even outside (this is me telling you to fork off, identity theft...ers). I'm totally a proponent of the United States Postal Service saving some much needed cash to, oh.. I don't know, possibly PAY THEIR WORKERS, not cut another 40,000 jobs and skip around posting another 3.8 billion dollar loss next year.

Just a thought.

I'm also game for businesses cutting out Mondays or Fridays (pick one), resulting in a 3-day weekend and less operating costs. Half those Monday or Friday workers are tweeting through the morning, and farming after lunch. I mean, heck, my dentist works from Monday-Wednesday, my endocrinologist only does half days Monday-Thursday and we all know we can't get out hair done on Monday, and this guy doesn't wear pants on Friday, so he should probably be at home (follow the hashtag #pantsoptionalfriday on twitter).

Or maybe we should just all work from home. Or the beach.

02 March 2010

The Five Things I've Learned In Preschool

Over at B-Metro today:
Those professional placemat decorators, craft lords and glitter warriors will always have a place for their "art".
I. Don't. Do. Hand Turkeys.
Or glitter.
Really, I've never been skilled in the art of table decorations, bulletin board design, or bubble letters. But those people have a special role in preschool (and most of school) and they will showcase their "talents" every chance they get. You bring a roll of red streamers to tape in sections above the door. They bring white tin buckets hand-painted with pink, purple and red spots brimming with pink "easter grass" with a small field of 8-inch suckers stuck inside for the "centerpieces".
To read the whole thing, click here. 

01 March 2010

Her Name Is Bella


We.... um... got a puppy.

I KNOW, I know... like I honestly need MORE to pick up, or watch, or care for... BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MESSES GOING ON ALREADY... but still.

We acquired a bulldog.

A baby bulldog.

And her name is Bella... or Isabella which is shortened to any number of things (like "bells" or "SERIOUSLY, NOT ON THE GROUT!")




We had no plans for a new dog, NONE. As a matter of fact, my puppy years were behind me and I was looking forward to selling off all the onesies, bottles and the bouncer.

Wait.

I'm STRESSED about EVERYTHING - like THE HOUSE, THE KIDS, MY LIFE and thus, additional responsibilities may or may not land me in the Looney House.

Nonetheless, Bella stumbled into our family and needs a home. So, a home is what she'll get. She does make me smile, which is a good thing since me smiling is hard to come by these days (except the ones produce by Conner and Chase, those rock).

Fortunately for MY BRAIN, she's crate trained, extremely gentle, sleeps through the night, and honestly hasn't made a big mess (yet).

It's only been 48 hours, but I'm still wondering one thing - WHY DO WE HAVE A PUPPY?

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BirminghamMommy