13 March 2010

Don't Bring Your Vagina To Home Depot

I really wish I were better at stick people. That way, I could draw you all a picture of what happens when a small framed woman ventures into Home Depot alone on a Saturday morning.

(updated: I give you a crap version of what I wish I could give you as an illustration. Just take it.)

(Also added: Mike wanted me to put boobs (and a vagina) on my picture. I said no. This is called "creative license")

I find exactly what I want, a paint trimmer, and decide to browse the aisles for a few minutes since I'm in a rare state known as Free Of Offspring.

I find myself still in the paint section, contemplating whether it'd be safe to go ahead and purchase the supplies for refinishing my bedroom dresser, deciding that it's best not to start that project until the walls are finished. While I'm standing there, a nice employee asks "Can I help you with anything?" and I politely turn down his offer.

I move over an aisle, still checking out the paint, when another friendly worker asks the same question and I, again, turn down the help. "I'm just browsing, thanks." I say.

Ok. Done with paint. (I am super excited about refinishing this dresser though!)

Time to go home? Ehhh, not yet. I walk over to the rugs giving that our large living room rug is currently rolled up and sitting in our foyer. A victim of last week's stomach bug and also of Charlie's revenge for the new puppy, said rug is now covered in a comforting mix of dog urine, vomit and spilled milk (Chase's fault).

It's nasty.
I have plans for a Redneck Rug Cleaning: one rug, my driveway, a sunny weekend day and the water hose.

Anyways. I browse the rugs during which time another employee asks if I'd like any assistance. "Nope, I'm good" I insist.

Moving on to bathroom fixtures, we are unhappy with the ones that came "with" this home; they were just something we didn't think about when picking out 'upgrades' and they don't match. During my 3 minute rendezvous with the bathroom fixtures, another employee offers his "services".

Let me wrap this up by saying my next, and final browsing, was down the aisle with lots of stuff I didn't need. At the end of this aisle were two workers stocking shelves.

Guy In Orange #1: Can I help you with something?
Me: No thanks.
Guy In Orange #1: You sure?
Me: Yes. I got what I need. Thanks.
Guy In Orange #2: You look like you need some help.
Me: Really? No. I'm ok. I'm just browsing.
Guy In Orange #2: Ok. But if you are lost, I can help.

OMG REALLY? I'm not LOST and by "I got what I need, thanks" what I mean is "LEAVE ME ALONE".

What is so hard about this? Just because I'm female and 'browsing' in a hardware store I'm automatically "lost and confused". There are shelves and shelves of tools and things that require torque and Man Juice, and because I'm in their proximity and With Vagina I'm SURELY in need of a pair of balls and someone in an orange vest to hold my hand.

O bother.


  1. Tracey Ray14 March, 2010

    You could take it as a compliment...hear me out. MAYBE you were looking especially fantastical that day AND you are a petite twenty-something woman in a hardware store where the majority of the clientelle are middle aged men. Maybe they didn't think you were incompetent, but that you were a hottie that HOPEFULLY would accept some help:) Ok, I'm done being Miss Merry F'n Sunshine for the week. (yes, more likely they're just a**hats)

  2. Hilarious!!! And I totally understand. I don't like being asked if I need help when I actually DO, let alone when I don't and they just. won't. leave. me. alone.

    I shall keep this fact tucked in my brain and NEVER venture into The Home Depot without my looks-like-he-knows-what-he's-doing-because-he's-male husband by my side!!

  3. I enjoy when individuals are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you're writing.


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