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There you go. Fill that with money... because I am about to share an amazing trick that will make you all go "I wonder how much money I should send Amanda for this amazing piece of knowledge. Is a box full enough?"
Answer: No, but because I love all of you a box will do just fine.
(I'd recommend getting that Box O'Money weighed for proper shipping fees)
How To Feel Younger Overnight:
Step 1 - Go through a really stressful situation. The more stressful, the better. (this isn't called How To Feel BETTER Overnight, just 'younger') (stop complaining) ($5.95 for shipping and handling for excessive bitching) (it's in the fine print).
Step 2 - Forget your 'actual' age. This works best if you genuinely forget it. None of that fake "oh damn! I forgot to thaw out the meat! Guess it's pizza tonight" crap. I am talking about "wow. I have no clue what happened last night but I know vodka and the Cotton Eyed Joe were involved" forgetting. THAT kind of forget.
Step 3 - Tell everyone your 'new' age. (higher than your actual age or this doesn't work) By 'everyone' I clearly mean 'the internet'.
Step 4 - Correct your husband in public when he mentions your 'real' age. Insist he is being an asshole for getting it wrong.
Step 5 - Do this enough that eventually your husband gets annoyed and corrects YOU for being so wrong.
Step 6 - Remember that you are *supposed* to be forgetting your 'actual' age and act confused because you sincerely believe that you are your 'new' age.
Step 7 - Have husband rolling on the floor laughing because he thinks you have for reals forgotten how old you are.
Step 8 - Frantically google "age if birthday is xx-xx-1984". Come up with nothing. Try about 4 different versions of this sentence praying for an "age calculator".
Step 9 - Fail at finding an app for that.
Step 10 - Have a complete stranger point out that he was born a month after you and is currently your 'real' age.
Step 11 - Congratulations. Instead of thinking you are 26, and have been for the last 2+ months, you realize you are in REAL LIFE 25.
Yeah. I gained a year.
Thank me later.
Or just go ahead and send in that box of money.
wow- maybe a little less of said vodka Amanda.. lol
ReplyDeleteI love you and your wily ways! hahaha... But don't you have enough trouble convincing people you are as old as you say your are? I do. I get carded all the time! By the same stores, same bars, they just don't believe me! :)
ReplyDeleteHahahaha...I had the Flu during my 24th birthday...slept straight through it...so for a whole year I continued on saying that I was 23...THEN I turned 25!!!!! I gained a damn year!!!! I was perfectly happy in my diluted thinking!! My damned mother in law had to ruin it for me!!! I do not think I have fully forgiven her!! It has been 10 yrs!! Hahahah
ReplyDeleteTrue story...
ReplyDeleteWhen Will was one (just over two years ago), a guy at church asked Jeff if I was his...wait for it...MOTHER! In reality, Jeff is almost 2 years older than I am. I am of the mind that this was more of a reflection on Jeff, who at 41 looks like he's maybe 22 (with some nice gray hair), than on me (you have your vodka, I have me delusions).
Of course, I still enjoy the story about the door-ro-door salesman who asked Jeff - when he was in his early thirties - "Is your Mom or Dad home?" Yeah, dude, that's the way to sell whatever you're selling!