Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Myyyy Mirena.

I feel like I'm smuggling some ultra-awesome, covert weapon of mass destruction, yet the size of a snicker's fun-sized bar, in my cervix. Kinda like that tiny gun Will Smith's character carries in the beginning of the first "Men in Black"? Tons of power within Itty-bittyLivingSpace (think: Aladdin's Genie on that last part... love me some Robin Williams) 

(oh, fun fact: he ad-libbed most of the Genie - so much so that they had over 16 hours of sound from him alone.) 

(additional fun facts from Robin Williams: favorite quotes:

 "Cocaine is God's way of telling you you make way too much money"

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

"See, the problem is that God gave men both a brain and a penis, and only enough blood for one to work at a time."

"A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.")

(I have SOOOOO many more favorites.... Alas, another time... le sigh.)

So, my uterus.

I violated it.

It's not the first time though, so it expects this type of behavior from me. AND BOY, does it like to show how pissed it is. It's all "honey, I feel like you don't appreciate me" and "geez... you care about everything else but me" and when it comes around to That Time, it... like most women, goes all "I'm going to murder your face off" and kicks and screams and slams the frig door in my face and I'm all "dude. WHAT.EVER."

Since some of you crazies don't follow moi on Twatter, here's a few snip-its:

Me = waiting room, enters an OBVIOUSLY first time soon-to-be mother and her husband , *cue swooning* over pixelated grey photos of their precious Gift:

Woman in Ob office looking @ ultrasound photo "I just can't believe she's grown!". Repeat. 15 times. Yes lady - THEY GROW.

OMG - THEY GROW??!?!?!???!?!!!!!?!?!?!??????????????????

Holy Bananas, people. You aren't just getting fatter.

She'll probably name her Dime or Nickel. Quarter needs a playmate (and I'm not linking that because YOU need to be a better Mom Job Stalker. Get. To. It.)

Then we have a "Picture This Story":

I am told to undress from the waist down. Sorry ladies and gents, but I am obligated to tell you that they suggest you get the Mirena placed (seriously, placed? inserted? shoved in?) while you are Being Visited... so there I am... Being Visited... undressed... and Chase is RUNNING AROUND THE ROOM WITH THE VAGINAL JELLY. Can't Chase him - risk gigantic mess. I can yell - mildly effective. Good thing I brought the "well-behaved" child...

At some point, he realized the vagina jelly didn't taste all that great (joke) and he decided to join me on the exam table. Only thing - he ripped at the only shred of covering I had over my lower regions to get up there. 

Frickin' Brilliant.

I am now in mid-mental-debate as to whether I should just throw the thing away, rip off a long strip and wear it Brazilian Bikini Style or make a paper snowflake.

I'm not telling which one I chose.

Then Dr. Violate Your Insides came in - discussed the Mirena with me, and asked me to spread em. Oh. Right... *cough*... this goes THERE.... er... can't I just take it home with me and think about it?

He remarked about my cervical placement... apparently it's flat or low or Not Where It Should Be or Something... here's the exact tweet:

Dr. said "wow" in regards to my cervical placement. I'm going to take this as the highest of gynecological compliments.

You know... "wow" is what I am accustomed to hearing from people starring at my lady parts. (SORRY MOM... ) (how many of you consider your relatives when writing a post?) (I "consider" them... consider how MORTIFIED they will be... hehe)

Dr. McViolater then mutilated his way into my cervical floor and nudged some crazy ninja stuff up cozy with the bottom of my uterus.

My reaction:

Um. <|><£|{€£,£?~£¥~|{£¥€,€}\€!::?@&(&)&?:\£+€~\\<. OUCH!

Yeah. That's pretty much Not English.

Dr. McViolater explained that due to my Insides and Whatnot, I'd probably hurt more. Gah-reat.

I went to CVS post-maul and browsed nail polish while waiting on my antibiotic spiked with pain "I like pleasure spiked with pain, music is my aeroplane....." aaaaaaaaadddderrrrrrrralllllllllll

Oh. Yes. Nail polish... I looked like a schizo by the time I left - about 6 different colors streaked across different nails. I heart nail polish. I bought hair accessories instead. Took me two seconds to pick those out... I'm an odd duck.

Yeah. I've been Mirena'd.

Here's my Mirena Christmas Wish List:

• No babies.
• No babies.
• No babies.
• Boooooooooooobies (it's LIKELY and I can DREAM so SHUT YOUR FACE)
• Weight gain
• No babies.
• Boobies.

How do you feel about grey metallic nail polish?

Yes, I keep a box of Vanilla Wafers in my car. LOOK AT THE POLISH. Freaks.

(Oh, just follow me on Twatter already: http://twitter.com/themomjob)

Notes From the Stirrups

                                                                            (yes, that's really me in a pickle)

Well, I never made a decision on whether or not to go ahead with the Mirena implant. It’s not for a lack of research, cause dudes, I’ve googled the begeezus out of it. I’ve spoken with high school friends about having something rammed up their hoo-has and into their uteri although I’d never of thought I’d of been speaking to people I once shared a swing with about post-baby birth control options.

Staci even shared with me about having to get the strings trimmed because her husband’s special member needed them to be shorter. I mean, ewww… he has cooties woman! You shouldn’t even share your animal crackers and juice with a nasty boy much less let him……….

Riiight.

Michael and I have had far more discussions than he even deemed necessary or plausible about how we were going to prevent anymore ridiculously cute children from partaking in my Uterus Parties (known AROUND THE WORLD – I’m sure…), and his final decision: It’s my body, so I should choose how to violate it. Hurmph. He’s no help.

He does agree that the Baby Parade has ended. Obviously, you kind people know how I feel about Being Pregnants again, but he has his own concerns. And according to this article, the economy has had some interesting affects on our baby makings – bringing a baby into the Apocalypse is EXPENSIVE and more people are turning to Mr. Latex than previous years. It’s cheap… it doesn’t require you to have anything plastic shoved through your cervix and into your uterus… it doesn’t cost $20 a month nor mandate you remember to take the darn thing every day… but as my Vagina Doctor says “It also doesn’t work in your nightstand”. So…. Yeah… he has a point. Umm -  Point:

 

                                                                             (but, isn't he adorable?)

Riiighht again.

So I’ve taken Michael’s “opinion” into consideration and the verdict is simple: I’m not doing crap for right now.  I’ve considered Natural Family Planning before, but my biggest concerns involve the length of my period staying lengthy, PMDD (Yoda says: diagnosed I am), and.. oh yea… IT NOT WORKING. [read: Dear Uterus, please cooperate and stay babyless. Thanks, The Management].

That’s just for now though. And although I say that, I can’t possibly imagine what would surface to change my mind. More information? Doubtful. My husband gaining an opinion? Ha. Silly you. My fear of bleeding rivers for weeks and labor contractions (!)? BRAAHAHA. Contain yourself, Amanda! 

-------------------------------

And I wrote all of that before I even went into the exam room.... I arrived at 2:50, my appointment was at 3, called into an exam room and disrobed myself around 4:45, then saw Vagina Doctor at 5:45! People, it was DARK OUTSIDE when I left, I was the very last person in the BUILDING, his practice CLOSES AT 5 and I had to UNLOCK THE FRONT DOOR JUST TO LEAVE! WTFrench?

So, I had alot of time to think about this.... again... And the unbelievably late nice Vagina Doctor tells me that the hormones levels in the Mirena are so small, that it does seem like the best option for me. He agrees that the pill, patch and ring are non-options, and with me not being regular in my cycles because I'm still breastfeeding, natural family planning would be fine if my husband is ok with avoiding me like the plague for about 12 days every month (I would love to tell you why condoms don't work if they break due to lack of lubricant in a breastfeeding woman, but people... that's so TMI for a blog! gah!).

He is giving me a cytotec (oh hell, after hyper extending during labor with Chase...), a valium and a pain killer. I think I'll throw in a handful of crack and some vodka (I kid people! I can't drink. SAD FACE!).  So the pain issue? Ha! I might not even know where I am! WOOHOO.

I'm going for it. 10 days. Right before my EGD (gulp). February is looking kinda painful...