300th Post: An Ode To Television

300th post! Wow... THREE HUNDRED posts.... that's um, a lot of The Crazy and The "Oh, Amanda... HUSH!". How do you peoples put up with my nonsense?

Oh.

That's right.

Because you have work, and my site isn't blocked.

So, this week I have that giveaway that everyone should enter because it makes you pretty and because Jesus loves you and because if you don't, you risk premature baldness.

No, seriously. That's all been proven by scientist in labs with SCIENCE and crap and NONE of them look like this:

I'm sure you've seen their work. Very prestigious.

But this post isn't about the giveaway (why are you STILL READING THIS?!?), although I really don't have a clue what is *it* supposed to be about. That's kinda how I roll.

Let's see... TV IS PICKING BACK UP. Praise Jesus. And cable.

I enjoyed Army Wives this weekend, which made me miss part of The Tool Academy 2 (for. shame. on. me). But, the tools are back and just as douchey as ever. Fantabulously so.

Speaking of Army Wives...

Dear Army Wives,

STOP MAKING ME CRY.

Thanks,

The Mom Job

I'm kinda under contract not to talk about Tool Academy. First rule of Tool Academy is not to talk about Tool Academy and secondly, I am really that other girlfriend that comes out to say "hey! that's not YOUR tool, it is MY tool, so get the eff lost, WHORE" that comes mid-season.

And I'm all pregnant with triplets that me and MY tool made in a gas station right after your graduation from Junior College.

And he also bought me a trailer because HE LOVES ME (he said it could be a double-wide if I keep stripping through my pregnancy to pay for his hair product... see? LOVE)

Sorry, VH1, you can sue me allllll you want. But, feel free to offer me my own reality show.

Which, by the way, won't be "Amanda Wants a Murderer". Megan kinda has the corner on that one. Who wants to bet he made it to the top 3? She's a WINNER AT LIFE.

Top Chef is rocking my face off. And making me hungry. Sooooooooooooooooo hungry. They've been using a LOT of fresh seafood to start the year off which only makes me want to hump the next person that offers me fresh seafood. And not just offer, but PONY UP... I'm thinking... some nice ahi tuna (die) and shrimp and ooooooo some crab. Yes, please.

And, I'd also like to thank Bravo for Flipping Out and the Rachel Zoe Project.

Rachel is frac-tastic. Love her. She's the perfect balance of totally insane and completely spot-on. Not many (if any) can do that. I watch that show after Top Chef, which leaves me wanting to eat a lot AND shop.

Who would NOT want to be her?

If you just said "not me", go ahead and de-friend me. No, really. She's amazing.

Last week, she actually managed to get up the balls to ask CHANEL to ALTER a haute couture gown. I mean, who else can do that? Not only does she ask to change it, she knows HOW it should be changed so that the American public doesn't go all "what the f' is Cameron Diaz WEARING" just because it's a little too "forward thinking". She asks Chanel to CUT. OFF. A. SLEEVE?!?!?!

I would have died. Right there. Period.

Now, as soon as Grey's Anatomy starts back and House, I will be good as gold.

The Tool Academy

OMG.

Have you SEEN the new reality tv show on VH1 The Tool Academy? FREAKING HYSTERICAL!

Mike and I were on the fence about watching this one, but the commercials cracked me up. And honestly, the general concept had me at hello, but Mike was a bit more apprehensive about adding another “junk” show to our soon-to-implode DVR schedule.

The premises of the show is that a select number of men show up to compete for Mr. Awesome. Oh, but what they don’t know is that their girlfriends have really enrolled them in the Tool Academy. These guys had numerous casting interviews in which they are trying to “prove” to the casting directors that they are the ultimate Mack Daddy’s and what better way to prove such than listing off how many times you cheated, how often you take advantage of bathroom, um, “special meetings”, and of course, how often you work out, tan, use excessive hair product, oh…and tan.

I mean, look at these tools Contestants:

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What. The. Crap.

One of their catch phrases - "Saving relationships, one tool at a time"

BRAHAAHA



The girlfriends get to watch their interviews for "Mr. Awesome" and are floored when pretty much every single contestant reveals he’s cheating. One even claims he’s “trained his woman to do everything - cook, clean, laundry, anything he desires”. Practically none of these GIANT TOOLS Contestants have jobs, all of them party to excess on their girlfriends dime (on even uses his girlfriend’s child support check for his spending account!). It’s sickening.

The idea is that each Tool will face challenges in Charm School fashion to obtain levels of proper etiquette, manner and all-around-GrownUpNess. After the challenges, one will be eliminated and then must face his girlfriend who then has to decide whether to stay with her Tool or leave him then and there. The winner receives $100,000 and a shred of his dignity back.

But the best part, by FAR, is that after a contestant is eliminated the man Dude Judge says “I’m sorry you are eliminated. You are - just a tool.”

The way he says it! Mike and I DIED laughing for a solid 10 minutes. I think the show has its first airing Sunday night (VH1 always airs its Sunday lineup in the morning too, so we’ve already enjoyed this masterpiece for the day).

WATCH IT THOUGH!

This leaves me with a question - On the show each Tool is given a name correlating to the type of Tool they are - Playin’ Pimpin’ Tool is obviously a no-good cheating a*hole, there’s two with Superhero names that are L-A-M-E, Tiny Tool is some Boston dude and MAYBE 5’4”… you get the point. Then there’s Slacker Tool who DOES. NOTHING. This is the guy the one who uses his girlfriend’s child support money I do believe.

Have you ever dated/hooked up with/blocked a number to a Tool? What would his “Tool name" be?

Mine: Money Tool - not creative, but interesting. This guy entered my life halfway through my Freshman year (before another Tool that I won’t even WASTE my BREATH on….He’s more a sociopath than a tool anyways… I digress). He has OODLES of money, as in his own brand new 5 bedroom house with a gourmet kitchen in a very nice area, 3 cars, a bike, and did I mention TONS of CASH! He was set through an inheritance (something like 1.7 million at the time). He had investments in real estates, he was good looking and we really did have great conversations. But, because he had money he was disillusioned to believe that had a one-way golden ticket to my pants! NOT SO MUCH, MISTER! After I denied him access, he kept calling (in a non-stalky way), but I never really got it. That is, not till later. Most girls would have swooned over a man that was financially stable, witty and good looking…. Throwing themselves at him in hopes of earning their MRS. and never lifting a finger again.

But me? Not so much impressed. I mean, I thought it was all very nice, but that doesn’t mean you can just bang me and throw me to the curb? Which I knew he would. I was some kind of challenge, a game. I knew that if I were ever to just give him an inch (oh you dirty girls, that was metaphorical!!!), he’d never talk to me again. Just another notch in his $500,000 bedpost. Sorry dude, I’m not a hooker.

Who’s your tool? Leave in the comments ladies!