This Is What You're Looking For

 I have to be honest here - I am forcing this post out because I feel I owe it to you guys who have been nothing but completely amazing and supportive through this entire adventure. This entry will come with a lot of tears on my part, so my apologies if it is all over the place, short, vague or anything else other than what you'd normally expect from me.

Some of you think you know what's going on. I can assure you, however, that not a single person reading this right now knows the truth. I am completely, entirely, shattered. And I can not say with 100% certainity that I have all of the pieces to put them back together. Some of my pieces aren't even mine.

If for some reason you believe you DO know what's going on - well, kudos. You've won a game you created. But let me assure you that unless you ARE me (hello, me), what you think you know is merely a gathering of your own perceptions, opinions, observations and assumptions. Those things do not add up to the entire picture. I don't expect you to understand that maybe, just maybe, I can both in the wrong and in the right at the same time.

When I set out to start this blog, I wanted to establish an identity for myself that I had in the works my entire life. A person that I felt I wanted to be, a person I knew I could be - a new me. Someone who had more confidence, who wasn't afraid to make jokes that she knew other people might not get while the others laughed because it was just what they wanted to here. I wanted to stop hiding the girl that found happiness something that was ok to enjoy.
(and this is the line I broke down on)
I never expected what I got from just that.

To accept the person you always wanted to be, the person that depression can hide and a lack of confidence can push down, means you must accept a certain degree of extreme change.

A good change.

An absolutely amazing change.

One that I wish I could say, right now, I didn't regret.

But unfortunately, I think I just may.

This is something that I can't keep choking down and avoiding with additional sentences....

Sometimes. Maybe - the person you are when you are at your lowest... the person that IS depressed and can't be the 'better version'... maybe that person is controlled and repressed just enough to find happiness in tiny moments. It's completely possible that the boring, repressed, undefinable, moldable, impressionable version of me is just a way for me to be ok with being nothing more than the lists of "justs" I have. Just a housewife. Just a mom. Just Amanda.

With that... I consider it unfortunate that I worked on being better at life. Trying to beat the game doesn't always work. Sometimes you simply have to accept the person you never wanted to be for the sake of others.

I love you all. And I'll try my best to keep up this site. I just can't promise anything like what's been here before....
That person is already gone.

First Cut Is The Deepest

but the last cut means it's done.
i'm sorry.

Can I NOT Borrow Your Phone?

Whilest visiting a very funny (and NSFW - not safe for work...) website (Toy With Me) contributed to by Crissy, The Queen of F'in Everything in which she writes in FIRST PERSON (shocker) about ... um.. "adult stuff"... (really, it's humor, but ADULT humor...), this ad caught my eye:

Can you IMAGINE? Who abuses their phone like that? And who on EARTH decided that this was a good idea?

I will not be asking to borrow anyone's blackberry ANY time soon.

Thanxbutno.

Obviously, I do not condone the use of your cellular device in any area it might get wet. Try explaining that one to the warranty people.

"So, ma'am. I suspect that your device was exposed to some moisture or condensation. I'm going to check this indicator under the battery to see if that's the case. It turns from green to red if exposed to anything wet. Can you think of any instance where your cell phone was placed under these conditions?"

You: "Well... I do use my phone as a vibrator. Does that count?"

And that's how you void your warranty. HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT.

Right Of Passage

My children should fear me, but they do not know what mishchief I've been up to. But if they did - they would probably put themselves in Time Out for fear of acting out.

I've purchased the Holy Grail of Obedience Reinforcement. Not a new belt - we all know those leave stings that fade quickly (and some don't even hurt that bad). You can't buy "switches" at the store - which really? Those are very close to actual child abuse.

I didn't get a Time Out Square.

And I didn't start a rewards chart.

I now own the one thing that still means "ouch" to me instead of it's intended purpose.

A wooden spoon.

It's magical, really. These spoons give the parent an extra 8 inches of reach. With little force, they leave one hell of an impression. What was likely invented to stir sweet tea or serve macaroni and cheese is instead used to persuade good behavior within mere seconds of its appearance.

I feel like this is a right of passage - one that I earned through countless wooden spoons that have broken on my appendages as well as the cumulative 20 months of pregnancy and labor of 2 children. I have earned the right to use the Ultimate Punishment in the fearful eyes of a disobedient child.

And I'm totally proud to welcome the wooden spoon to my arsenal. Bring it kids.

On Toilet Training Cats vs. Small People

A girl I know from high school was brave kind enough to share these photos with you, my dear faithful blog readers. Why do you accept my verbal torture?

For gems like this, you see...

Jenny has cats. I don't have cats. I have humans - small humans. But apparently? When it comes to potty training boths cats and small humans, it still involves quite a bit of trickery, some patience, and a pinch of humor. Ok, a gallon and a half of humor. Annnnnd flushable litter.

Step One:
Apparently, to potty train a cat you have to first get them to view the toilet as something other than a source of fresh, cold water. Which, I can see as a HUGE strike against training cats vs. small people. My kids don't normally drink out of the toilet OR try to pee in the frig. I think.

So, step 1 is to put a bowl of kitty litter in the toilet. Check.



Step Two:
Let your feline adjust:

Step Three:
After your cat/non-person adjusts to having their Fresh Water World rocked, replace the regular bowl with a "half bowl". I am too lazy to google this, but I'm sure it is much like taking the seat off a training potty and throwing it on The Big Boy Toilet. This way, the cat gets accustomed to the water.

See?




Step Four:
Um. I guess you "wait". And then your cat does this:

I mean, this post wasn't going to be complete without a picture of a cat using a toilet. Right? Right.


As with humans, you can't exactly communicate with your cat on WHY and HOW to use the pot. You just have to brace yourself for accidents and mishaps. And a lot of poop. And pee. Lots of those things. Ugggh.


It's helpful to mention that Jenny used flushable litter. And in full disclosure, Jenny says turn off the radio (how was I going to avoid THAT?) her cat isn't 100% on this yet, but it's a "work in progress".

.............as it is with my kids..............

(For additional help with toilet training your husband cat, try googling it. It's Sunday people, I'm not linking it for you)

This Little Man Can Hold His Own In A Post

MM. Motor Trend.

I picked up 2 magazines, glanced at the title and dismissed them into the chair beside me.

One was Motor Trend Magazine.

I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner:

              

An hour and a half long blood draw, and not ONE word/tear/total meltdown OR even BOREDOM (for him, at least...).

The angels sang.