The Yellow Death

Dear Yellow Death,

We've been enemies for years, as you probably recall.

Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn outdoors at this time each year for its beautiful rays to wipe away the cold winter crust from my eyes. I enjoy the sunlight and the laughter of my children running half-naked through the grass (don't know why they are half-naked, however). 

Oh yes, Spring is here and I have awaken from my Winter's nap. I do hibernate, in case you didn't know. Amanda doesn't do cold.

It's after a day or two of consistent mild 70-ish weather, nice breezes and a slight tan line that wonderful ideas come flooding into my brain:

I could plant a garden.

The boys and I could have a picnic.

We should all go for a long walk as a family.

Let's take up recreational activities PLENTY!

Then, I am reminded why it is I have never planted a garden and can't recall the last Spring picnic - I am a swollen-faced, sneezing on repeat and a watery-eyed MESS.

Chase is sneezing too.

And the pollen hasn't even really begun.

After checking weather.com, I noticed that the tree pollen count is high, but weeds and grass are still at none. In translation to all you normal people, this means I'm doomed. As I am allergic to EVERY SINGLE tree in the continental U.S., 4 types of grass and most weeds (per an allergy prick test a long time ago... ouch!).

So to you, Yellow Death, curse thee! I'm wishing for a barren spring full of twiggy trees, brown grass and lifeless flowers, but lovely weather...

Sincerely,

The Sneezing One Hyped Up On Prescription Allergy Medication and Found Under the Humidifier in Her Bubble

Next Time Won't You Poop With Me?

Conner's on the toilet, singing "his" ABCs - 'A-K' are just fine, but 'LMNOP' is still one letter. 'Q-S' don't exist, and he finishes with his favorite: "dubba-u, x, y an T"

Then, he decides that toilet alphabet songs need tweeking:

"Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you Poop with meeeeee"

There Are No Words for Too Many Non-Words

I'm in such a mood.

Wish I had something insightful or thoughtful or entertaining to post, but alas, I feel like absolute poo.

On Friday, I had A Break Down of the DEARHEAVENS Variety. Conner has been swinging from my last nerve like a gorilla in a jungle full of crack-cocaine for a solid week. He is, at this moment, so not my favorite preschooler.

If it's not the violence towards his brother in the passive aggressive variety ("Oops. I didn't mean to walk right through you at full speed even though I totally saw you standing there") it's violence towards me in the "I'm mad you took my light saber away and threw it in the garbage when I wasn't looking", so I am now going to slam the door on your foot" fashion.

He is also on repeat. REPEAT. REPEAT! REPEAT!! 

Every single thing that comes out of his mouth -whether it be a word, a non-word, a phrase or a stinking PARAGRAPH - must be repeated with exact precision by you or the listening party in its entirety. If he believes you  A) Mispronounced what he said to you B)Misunderstood his non-word words or C) Don't care to recite all 1,500 things he just sputtered out then you, dear friend, should prepare for The Hellashish Meltdown of Lava and Firey Brain-filled Fireworks ala Conner.

Heaven help us.

I'm getting his hearing checked. He constantly says things that are just mumbled garbage and I can't understand him AT ALL. And you have 2 choices. First being to mumbled some stuff together and spurt it out really fast back at him and pray that he finds it adequate enough ... or, say what you think he's trying to say, and risk being right and him moving on or suffer through aforementioned Hellish Meltdown of Lava and Brains.

As I was loosing my mind, my marbles, my sanity and every single shred of mothery-ness, I found myself sitting on a children's stool in the kitchen floor at 6:30 on Friday night with only a small light on over the sink, texting Staci as to whether locking Conner in his room for the rest of the weekend night was cruel.  She conferred that it was not. I replied "Sweet. Now to take the knob off and turn the lock around. I'm looking for the screwdriver now."

Honestly, I was.

But, then I realized that it'd take me an hour to do this (I've done it before, middle school - replaced my own doorknob on my bedroom with a deadbolt I found in our garage - great way to piss off your parents, btw. All I wanted was for my sister to leave my stuff alone...).

---------

Then on Saturday, Ali and I spent 2.5 hours in Target acting like children with NO CHILDREN, and suddenly the weight of Conner's Volcano was lightened (note: NOT LIFTED). I re-centered and now I am able to be around him all day without wanting to place him on Craigslist. For cheap. 

Or free.

And now I'll stop blogging about being grumpy. (PS - I hate you Day Light Savings)

As Promised: Private School Drama Part 2

Sooooo...

I really appreciate all your comments on the post On Being Judged. I did, however, notice a lack of posts from people FROM Montgomery, and I find that very interesting seeing as Montgomery has my second largest readership by city according to Google Analytics. With that said, I'd love to hear from you guys (even if you've never commented before, ESPECIALLY if you've never commented before, or email me: agzaremba {at} gmail {dot} com ). I realize that many of you don't comment, especially when I'm talking smack about your home city, but everyone is entitled to an opinion - this blog being mine. I am very open to listening to other's thoughts/concerns/comments and even their judgements of me. In other words: Bring it.

One of the more interesting points brought to our attention by the Lady Who Judged was that we could hold Conner back. Oh, but let me use her words verbatim "For academic, social or ATHLETIC reasons" we can choose to hold our son back.

Oh, yes. You read that correctly.

She admitted that this concept was "unique" to Montgomery... see... SHE SAID IT, NOT ME! And she laughed! She giggled about how it wouldn't be even remotely acceptable to do this in other school systems, but how since this was private school and a small town, they allowed it as a common practice. COMMON PRACTICE.

COMMON! PRACTICE! to hold children back although they pass a mandatory academic evaluation and are cleared (by the administration and teacher) to be socially ready to take on Big Kid School, BOYS are held back if they are smaller. 

Now, I won't say that Michael wasn't BEAMING when he heard this: the opportunity for his boys to be bigger, faster and stronger in their athletic field of choice (read: chess?) simply because they were older after being held back. I must note that he did have his reservations about it though. He said he'd never consider it if both academic and social evaluations cleared him to advance grade levels.

In some defense to the shear Craziness of this idea, Conner is, and will probably always be, the youngest and therefore smallest in his class. I don't care to disclose Conner's "issues" on The Internets (at least not yet), but for the most part  it's this: 6 months younger than many of his classmates makes a huge difference. He is "less mature" and it takes time to learn "people skills" (i.e. - sitting in a chair, standing in line, raising your hand, asking to pee, etc). He didn't speak a single word aloud to his teacher till January, and continues to lack in the "being able to talk to anyone other than his family" arena. Conner's caught up a bit now, but he is still "behind" compared to his other classmates. 

This learning curve will shorten, but he'd still graduate as a 17-year-old and enter college barely 18.

So, for  social reasons we might just do 2 years of Kindergarten (1 at Frazer and 1 at Overly Priced Private Institution of Our Choosing) - although, academically he shines at school.

But back to my previous point - I emailed a friend in the Jefferson County School District and, without overstating it, she was APPALLED. This would never be acceptable. Being held back because they are clearly not to a certain academic level, are not socially ready to take on certain aspects of school, or even simply - the parents and educators feel the child is unable to handle the emotional strain - all reasons to hold back a child between Pre3 and 1st/2nd grade. 

But ATHLETIC?

Wow.

For my out-of-state/other school districts/those with opinions and no children readers... do you find this bizarre? They hold BOYS back for this, not girls. Did I mention that? If it's the "norm", would you consider it? Can you EVEN BELIEVE IT'S THE NORM?

I want opinions people, comment!

Get Out Your Party Hats

I might have mentioned that March 2nd was my Blogaversary! I can't believe I've been doing this for 2 years... Here's some amazing cupcakes to celebrate from me to you:

Found this yummy thing here.

On Monday, I began a whole celebration post with lots of interesting factoids (interesting to me at least) and some of my data from google analytics (which doesn't sound like fun here, but dudes, people google some really funny stuff...).

BUT, then I posted two posts in a row... and then Michael's work required him to work late on both Monday and today, meaning that I had Lots of Crap to Finish so, I thought I would finish it today.... BUT THEN - I saw this:

And I had a thought: what if I celebrated my Blogaversary WITH 5MinutesforMom at the end of this month (which would be right around my own bday, the 29th... woot)?

I personally think it's a marvelous idea!

It'd be like a whole Birthday Month, which I have... so start sending me gifts whenever you get a minute. I won't tell anyone if you send me daily e-cards either. My shoe size is 6.

SOOOO... in the tradition of Amanda The Procrastinator - I'm putting off my ultra long, yet super cool Blogaversary because A) I can and B) Because I'd LURVE to have such a post associated with the Ultimate Blog Party.

*Insert Fireworks, Glitter, Sprinkles and Cupcake Rivers Here*

If you want to participate too, here's the DL. See ya there!

Unasked Prayers

It's funny how God works. Normally, I am practically starring at the clock, begging the minutes to please march instead of c-r-a-w-l, then an internal conflict always arises as to whether putting the boys down 10,15 or 20 (hum.. 45?) minutes early would be ok ("Ok, so Chase did stir last night for a few minutes, then woke at 5, and wasn't really sleeping till 5:45, and was kinda up by 7... oh, and I know I heard Conner up at 12:30 and since it was Sunday, I'm sure a good cartoon was on so Michael didn't turn the tv off till late, which probably kept him up a bit longer... and..."). 

I am totally convinced that some days that clock hits 12, then giggles and throws itself back to 11:45 and Twitters about it to all his little clock friends, and BAM! There I am, stuck in a time/space warp without the possibility of it reaching The Time of The Nap (1:45 - give or take my sanity).

Then, this morning I got in a fight with my mother. Which, wouldn't be bloggable or blogworthy if it weren't for the fact that my mom and I don't fight. When I have an issue, no matter how annoying I might sound or wrong she is, I just say it and there it is - we either work it out, agree or disagree and that's it. But, what came out of my mouth today was not only warranted, but building like plaque in my arteries for months and needed to be said. Mary, The B.F.F., told me she was actually happy I finally talked about it to my mom, and that it was a time sensitive issue, so that I let 'x' time pass was a good thing - and now the deed is done.

I went about my Show and Dance daily routine with the boys - wake Chase from morning nap, make him lunch, start Conner's lunch, make my lunch, put Conner's lunch in front of him and beg him to eat, start the dishes, prep dinner, wipe someone's butt, find pants for said butt, etc etc

And then, Chase decided he wanted to play in the playroom alone (which he does, he's a very independent child and obviously unrelated to Conner) and Conner decided to sit and play a game for awhile, then color, then play with some cars... and I found myself reading a magazine standing in the kitchen, finishing off my salad. Then, I wandered through the living room and into the bathroom, grabbed my electric razor and sat over the side of the tub shaving my legs... then I decided it was time to chip off my old nail polish... and then I heard Pinky Dinky Doo...

But wait? Pinky Dinky Doo? That doesn't come on till... it's 2!!!

I grabbed Chase, changed him, put Conner in his room, kissed him goodnight, strolled Chase for all of 2 minutes, put him in his room, and THAT WAS IT. No extra kisses (not that I am in opposition). No getting up. No whispered "I need go pee-pee...". No strolling around my living room for 25 minutes. Easy as pie.

Um. Whoa.

The whole time the boys were being content, I was in my head (yet still listening out for my children, thank you DHR) thinking about this fight with my mom. I was going over the things I said and reaffirming the statements because I didn't say them to hurt my mom, I said them because they needed to be said. And then Mary text me the above statement in the middle of The Thinking, right as I heard the theme song to Pinky Dinky Doo and I realized that God had given me exactly what I needed... Space.

He had granted me a couple of hours to still take care of my children, but without TheFreakingOutOverNothings or the DearHeavensDon'tShoveYourBrothers or the ChaseStoleMyGAMEs. All of it - none of it - existed.

I don't know how many times I've either thought or yelled out "God PLEASE! I JUST NEED XYZ!" and really meant that HEAVENS LORD, a minute?!? PLEASE?!!? But, during those moments, God knew what I really needed was Mommy BootCamp and thus, he let me drudge through them and come out alive, even though I doubted I could.

All I needed was some thinking room...

I've heard before to thank God for the unanswered prayers, but today I'd like to thank Him for the ones that go unasked. 

On Being Judged *

*I went on a bit of a rant in the comments section, if I were you I'd already be there... Well, you do need to read the post first, but after that... I'D GO THERE.

We arrived a whole 20 minutes early for The Judging, too bad they won't take off a percentage of the $10,000 per year for every minute early... 

Overall, it wasn't too bad. As a matter of fact, I kinda enjoyed myself. 

There's just something about school that makes me all sparkles and rainbows and glitter on the inside. The lockers - you remember how OVER THE MOON you were about lockers? The science lab - how frickin awesome was it to reproduce fake rain clouds or watch a penny get eaten by stomach acid? LUNCH - I know this sounds crazy, but my high school had THE BEST FOOD. The stromboli, the cinnamon toast, the FRIES with GOOEY CHEESE... just the sheer selection of it all, man I wish I could have that many options everyday for lunch now, but alas, we are broke.

At this school, the lunches are catered by a company called Sage, which looks way too yummy.

Well, let's not make this post about food.

The very first thing the admittance counselor spoke of was the curriculum, which is a good place to start, right? And... she started with Bible. Don't get me wrong, I do like the fact that because it's a private Christian school, Bible will be a part of the curriculum and prayer and worship is not only encouraged, but group led with weekly Chapel. However, she was on a 10 minute rant about how Bible was part of the daily lesson structure throughout the 12 years, and that they wouldn't test till after 3rd grade, and once they started testing it would initially only be on the Books of the Bible, the Kings of the OT, the major stories, etc... and then they would move on to memorization of Psalms and key scripture and versus ... and then finally Michael spoke up....

"We fully support Conner's education being in a Christian environment, and we agree that teaching the Word of God is very important, but the bottom line is this: knowing scripture instead of how to write an essay isn't going to get you into a good college..."

THANK YOU MICHAEL!

I mean, I'm not shelling out The Big Monies for my child[ren] to learn about God and Jesus and Noah but be unable to write an advanced, well-researched and well-constructed essay or not know how to solve a logarithmic differentiation. (totally remembered hating on logarithms but did google the correct term...)

She seemed unfazed and almost relieved that Michael wanted to know about the core curriculum required for college admissions.... almost like it was a test...

So we spoke of class size (small.... check), curriculum for each year, academic standards, athletic opportunities (3A... boooo...), foreign language class requirements (must have 3 years in high school of the same language, yay! They also begin Spanish in 1st grade.), and various other aspects of the school's identity.

We toured the "campus", asked a few more questions and overall, were very pleased with the facility, it's staff and the curriculum opportunities. In case I haven't mentioned it already (please don't roll your eyes), Michael and I both determined that this is, unfortunately, still nothing more than everything the boys would have access to in Birmingham without the price tag (Jefferson/Shelby County school systems, Hoover, Mountain Brook, Trussville, etc).  The only thing we've found different is that lunch is included in the price. How nice of them...

Our biggest areas of concern:

1. It's located directly across the street from an apartment complex. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with an apartment complex or it's occupants, but they do typically attract single men, young crazy college kids and others. This is me trying to be sensitive to those who currently live in an apartment... is it working?
2. For a price tag of aforementioned CRAZY MONIES, one would assume that this facility would be sparkly and flashy, right? Eh. No. On the outside, it appears that it was built circa 1960 and never updated. The kindergarten uses a 4 teacher and 1 floating teacher set-up (which I love because the students become accustomed to the "sub" and ergo don't have a "day off" because the "cat's away"), but they are housed in TRAILERS! When I was in 5th grade (circa 1995), Jefferson County school systems ABOLISHED trailers (ok, so they ended having to bring back a few, but that's not the point - THAT was "free"). I can't believe they are even allowed these days and I find it completely unacceptable for a school shoveling in 10 grand per year per child to be unable to nix portable trailers!!
3. On the note of totally unacceptable for an institution that will be raping my bank account: there are only 2-3 computers per classroom. Does this bother anyone else? My son can work Mickeymouse.com better than I can, and then there's that commercial where the 7-year-old girl takes pictures, uploads and emails them - yet this school is unable to allow access to a personal computer for my child for some sort of allotment each day? WHAT?!
   

On the note of the totally adorable: 3rd graders and under are allowed the option of no shoes while indoors. Isn't that adorable? It apparently makes them more comfortable (which I can totally see). I was also thinking this - wouldn't that cut down on tracked-in germs?

For sho'.

And now, this post is foreva' long, so there shall be a Part Deux.