Posts
I never wear makeup to the Pre-K pickup on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I rarely match for that matter. And today, the situation was no different.
I wore jeans (that were clean, hooray!)and a green tank top layered under a grey short sleeved tee I bought on sale for $7.99 at Target. Yes, those two colors don’t match and I knew that. I didn’t even have a bra on as the tank had one of those “built in boobie shelf” apparatuses that make a bra less required. And since it was FAH-REEZING, I was also wearing a hooded brown sweater coat, the kind my mom always wore in the mornings while getting dressed and having her coffee (read: not REALLY for in-public use).
My hair was washed, yet uncombed, and pulled back into a (very dated) hair claw with bits and pieces strewn about. As usual, I had on my super comfy new balance tennis shoes.
I parked my car, grabbed Chase from the back seat and walked towards the front atrium where I and all the other moms wait for our wee ones to be dismissed. Only today I got about two feet in the door before I was bombarded with the smell of expensive perfume, hairspray and even more expensive 4-inch heels.
Apparently, I missed the flyer for The Pretty Convention as there before me stood a cackle of teenaged and early 20-somethings, dazzling in their swanky shoes and sparkly purses, from head to toe dressed to the 9s. Beautiful long hair, some curly and some carefully arranged into trendy up-dos. All wearing makeup, ears and necks dripping in pearls, and of course - GORGEOUS.
I sat down with my usual group of 3 other moms, all a bit too quiet for me. We were literally smack in the middle of 75+ beauty queens and we were all dressed similarly.
“Wow. Bad day for the clearance shirt and sweater jacket…” I mumbled to the mom next to me.
“Geez. Tell me about it,” she replied.
We talked to ourselves about how gorgeous they all were for a few moments, each remarking about how frumpy we felt. Then, one mom said something that made my internal record screech to a halt.
“Well, they’ll have their turn. We had ours”…
Wait. YOU had YOUR turn being a bombshell… I, on the other hand, am TWENTY FREAKING FOUR and I look like THIS in front of MISS AMERICA TIMES 70!!! I had “my turn” for .. Oh…. About 4.5 seconds scattered throughout my days of ole at U of A. That is, until I got engaged, then pregnant, then married….
And now….just because I’m a mommy doesn’t mean I have to look like petrified crap and them being 18 doesn’t mean they have to look like the offspring of Kate Moss and a Cherub.
But alas, I DID look like petrified crap. And they DID look like the offspring of supermodels and angels.
Does this mean I’ll get my chance later? Did I miss the boat? Do I get to be hot when I’m 30 or 40?
Oh I hope so. And then I hope I get to show up in an enclosed space with them in sweats, showerless with what appears to be dried baby poop on their shirt.
13 January 2009
One Banana
Had I of taken 1 banana, and cut it in half, neither child would've eaten a single bite. Promise.
(Wanna know how to save a banana [or two....] from an icky brown future? Put it in a plastic bag, throw a few drops of lemon juice in there and shove that sucker in the fridge. Keeps them good for a day or two. Same tip works for apples, obviously, but most don't think to use it on the Nanas)
11 January 2009
The Tool Academy
OMG.
Have you SEEN the new reality tv show on VH1 The Tool Academy? FREAKING HYSTERICAL!
Mike and I were on the fence about watching this one, but the commercials cracked me up. And honestly, the general concept had me at hello, but Mike was a bit more apprehensive about adding another “junk” show to our soon-to-implode DVR schedule.
The premises of the show is that a select number of men show up to compete for Mr. Awesome. Oh, but what they don’t know is that their girlfriends have really enrolled them in the Tool Academy. These guys had numerous casting interviews in which they are trying to “prove” to the casting directors that they are the ultimate Mack Daddy’s and what better way to prove such than listing off how many times you cheated, how often you take advantage of bathroom, um, “special meetings”, and of course, how often you work out, tan, use excessive hair product, oh…and tan.
I mean, look at thesetools Contestants:
What. The. Crap.
One of their catch phrases - "Saving relationships, one tool at a time"
BRAHAAHA
The girlfriends get to watch their interviews for "Mr. Awesome" and are floored when pretty much every single contestant reveals he’s cheating. One even claims he’s “trained his woman to do everything - cook, clean, laundry, anything he desires”. Practically none of theseGIANT TOOLS Contestants have jobs, all of them party to excess on their girlfriends dime (on even uses his girlfriend’s child support check for his spending account!). It’s sickening.
The idea is that each Tool will face challenges in Charm School fashion to obtain levels of proper etiquette, manner and all-around-GrownUpNess. After the challenges, one will be eliminated and then must face his girlfriend who then has to decide whether to stay with her Tool or leave him then and there. The winner receives $100,000 and a shred of his dignity back.
But the best part, by FAR, is that after a contestant is eliminated the man Dude Judge says “I’m sorry you are eliminated. You are - just a tool.”
The way he says it! Mike and I DIED laughing for a solid 10 minutes. I think the show has its first airing Sunday night (VH1 always airs its Sunday lineup in the morning too, so we’ve already enjoyed this masterpiece for the day).
WATCH IT THOUGH!
This leaves me with a question - On the show each Tool is given a name correlating to the type of Tool they are - Playin’ Pimpin’ Tool is obviously a no-good cheating a*hole, there’s two with Superhero names that are L-A-M-E, Tiny Tool is some Boston dude and MAYBE 5’4”… you get the point. Then there’s Slacker Tool who DOES. NOTHING. This is the guy the one who uses his girlfriend’s child support money I do believe.
Have you ever dated/hooked up with/blocked a number to a Tool? What would his “Tool name" be?
Mine: Money Tool - not creative, but interesting. This guy entered my life halfway through my Freshman year (before another Tool that I won’t even WASTE my BREATH on….He’s more a sociopath than a tool anyways… I digress). He has OODLES of money, as in his own brand new 5 bedroom house with a gourmet kitchen in a very nice area, 3 cars, a bike, and did I mention TONS of CASH! He was set through an inheritance (something like 1.7 million at the time). He had investments in real estates, he was good looking and we really did have great conversations. But, because he had money he was disillusioned to believe that had a one-way golden ticket to my pants! NOT SO MUCH, MISTER! After I denied him access, he kept calling (in a non-stalky way), but I never really got it. That is, not till later. Most girls would have swooned over a man that was financially stable, witty and good looking…. Throwing themselves at him in hopes of earning their MRS. and never lifting a finger again.
But me? Not so much impressed. I mean, I thought it was all very nice, but that doesn’t mean you can just bang me and throw me to the curb? Which I knew he would. I was some kind of challenge, a game. I knew that if I were ever to just give him an inch (oh you dirty girls, that was metaphorical!!!), he’d never talk to me again. Just another notch in his $500,000 bedpost. Sorry dude, I’m not a hooker.
Who’s your tool? Leave in the comments ladies!
Have you SEEN the new reality tv show on VH1 The Tool Academy? FREAKING HYSTERICAL!
Mike and I were on the fence about watching this one, but the commercials cracked me up. And honestly, the general concept had me at hello, but Mike was a bit more apprehensive about adding another “junk” show to our soon-to-implode DVR schedule.
The premises of the show is that a select number of men show up to compete for Mr. Awesome. Oh, but what they don’t know is that their girlfriends have really enrolled them in the Tool Academy. These guys had numerous casting interviews in which they are trying to “prove” to the casting directors that they are the ultimate Mack Daddy’s and what better way to prove such than listing off how many times you cheated, how often you take advantage of bathroom, um, “special meetings”, and of course, how often you work out, tan, use excessive hair product, oh…and tan.
I mean, look at these
What. The. Crap.
One of their catch phrases - "Saving relationships, one tool at a time"
BRAHAAHA
The girlfriends get to watch their interviews for "Mr. Awesome" and are floored when pretty much every single contestant reveals he’s cheating. One even claims he’s “trained his woman to do everything - cook, clean, laundry, anything he desires”. Practically none of these
The idea is that each Tool will face challenges in Charm School fashion to obtain levels of proper etiquette, manner and all-around-GrownUpNess. After the challenges, one will be eliminated and then must face his girlfriend who then has to decide whether to stay with her Tool or leave him then and there. The winner receives $100,000 and a shred of his dignity back.
But the best part, by FAR, is that after a contestant is eliminated the man Dude Judge says “I’m sorry
The way he says it! Mike and I DIED laughing for a solid 10 minutes. I think the show has its first airing Sunday night (VH1 always airs its Sunday lineup in the morning too, so we’ve already enjoyed this masterpiece for the day).
WATCH IT THOUGH!
This leaves me with a question - On the show each Tool is given a name correlating to the type of Tool they are - Playin’ Pimpin’ Tool is obviously a no-good cheating a*hole, there’s two with Superhero names that are L-A-M-E, Tiny Tool is some Boston dude and MAYBE 5’4”… you get the point. Then there’s Slacker Tool who DOES. NOTHING. This is the guy the one who uses his girlfriend’s child support money I do believe.
Have you ever dated/hooked up with/blocked a number to a Tool? What would his “Tool name" be?
Mine: Money Tool - not creative, but interesting. This guy entered my life halfway through my Freshman year (before another Tool that I won’t even WASTE my BREATH on….He’s more a sociopath than a tool anyways… I digress). He has OODLES of money, as in his own brand new 5 bedroom house with a gourmet kitchen in a very nice area, 3 cars, a bike, and did I mention TONS of CASH! He was set through an inheritance (something like 1.7 million at the time). He had investments in real estates, he was good looking and we really did have great conversations. But, because he had money he was disillusioned to believe that had a one-way golden ticket to my pants! NOT SO MUCH, MISTER! After I denied him access, he kept calling (in a non-stalky way), but I never really got it. That is, not till later. Most girls would have swooned over a man that was financially stable, witty and good looking…. Throwing themselves at him in hopes of earning their MRS. and never lifting a finger again.
But me? Not so much impressed. I mean, I thought it was all very nice, but that doesn’t mean you can just bang me and throw me to the curb? Which I knew he would. I was some kind of challenge, a game. I knew that if I were ever to just give him an inch (oh you dirty girls, that was metaphorical!!!), he’d never talk to me again. Just another notch in his $500,000 bedpost. Sorry dude, I’m not a hooker.
Who’s your tool? Leave in the comments ladies!
08 January 2009
The One In Which Amanda Whines and Dooms Herself to a Third Child
He’s beginning to border between rocker dude and pretty, pretty princess. And frankly, I’m going a bit overkill on the “make sure Chase never wears the pink Polo, or any other moderately frat-tastic girlie shirt”.
I wouldn’t HAVE to avoid anything of the sort if I could just bring myself to do one TINY thing: cut Chase’s hair.
It’s past his ears, down his face and well over his collar at this point. Conner’s hair was never this long at Chase’s age.
And it’s not like this would be his first Official Hair Cut. I’ve trimmed it 3 times at this point due to chronic attempts at The Mullet on behalf of Mr. Chase. It was only growing around the back and MAN, Mike and I DIED laughing every time it’d grow a bit and there he was…. missing only a dirty Wife Beater and a beer.
So, what’s different about THIS trim is that I know what’s in store - full on Toddlerhood eyeing me down as if to burn HOLES in my HEAD.
As soon as those locks hit the floor and I turn to comfort my squirmy little man, I’m sure to breakdown into a Puddle of Delirium only to throw all the condoms out the next day and start tracking my ovulation because THIS CAN’T POSSIBLY BE THE LAST LITTLE BITTY ISTY TINY WHITTLE ADORABLE SNUGGLE FACED BABY!!!!
Oh.
But it SO is.
And after That Scare that I’m SOOO not telling the Internets about (just don’t ask or I WILL TELL only to embarrass Conner when he and his friends have access to aforementioned Internets by age 5), I’m pretty darn sure that I don’t want anymore wee ones growing in my belly. [read: For Sale By Owner: One Gently Used Uterus, only Inhabited Twice]
I LURVE staying home with the boys, and they are, without question, the joy of my life. I can’t imagine my days without them and truly enjoy all the love and laughter they grant me each day. But, my house is full of toys. And I prefer peeing alone. And I couldn’t possibly go through being pregnant again.
The technicals have it too - No more room in my Equinox (just won’t fit another car seat, so baby Numero Tres would be trekking it Old School, fighting for The Hump in the front…. Oooohhh…. How Britney of me). Money is tight. The third bedroom is totally accounted for. How in the WORLD would I POSSIBLY bring Conner to Pre-K4 with Chase in tow AND another newborn??!?!??!?!
See? Not. Happening.
So Chase, your hair will be cut this week. Mommy can’t keep you little forever. *Sniff*
I wouldn’t HAVE to avoid anything of the sort if I could just bring myself to do one TINY thing: cut Chase’s hair.
It’s past his ears, down his face and well over his collar at this point. Conner’s hair was never this long at Chase’s age.
And it’s not like this would be his first Official Hair Cut. I’ve trimmed it 3 times at this point due to chronic attempts at The Mullet on behalf of Mr. Chase. It was only growing around the back and MAN, Mike and I DIED laughing every time it’d grow a bit and there he was…. missing only a dirty Wife Beater and a beer.
So, what’s different about THIS trim is that I know what’s in store - full on Toddlerhood eyeing me down as if to burn HOLES in my HEAD.
As soon as those locks hit the floor and I turn to comfort my squirmy little man, I’m sure to breakdown into a Puddle of Delirium only to throw all the condoms out the next day and start tracking my ovulation because THIS CAN’T POSSIBLY BE THE LAST LITTLE BITTY ISTY TINY WHITTLE ADORABLE SNUGGLE FACED BABY!!!!
Oh.
But it SO is.
And after That Scare that I’m SOOO not telling the Internets about (just don’t ask or I WILL TELL only to embarrass Conner when he and his friends have access to aforementioned Internets by age 5), I’m pretty darn sure that I don’t want anymore wee ones growing in my belly. [read: For Sale By Owner: One Gently Used Uterus, only Inhabited Twice]
I LURVE staying home with the boys, and they are, without question, the joy of my life. I can’t imagine my days without them and truly enjoy all the love and laughter they grant me each day. But, my house is full of toys. And I prefer peeing alone. And I couldn’t possibly go through being pregnant again.
The technicals have it too - No more room in my Equinox (just won’t fit another car seat, so baby Numero Tres would be trekking it Old School, fighting for The Hump in the front…. Oooohhh…. How Britney of me). Money is tight. The third bedroom is totally accounted for. How in the WORLD would I POSSIBLY bring Conner to Pre-K4 with Chase in tow AND another newborn??!?!??!?!
See? Not. Happening.
So Chase, your hair will be cut this week. Mommy can’t keep you little forever. *Sniff*
06 January 2009
The Proof is in the Pan
I DID IT!
After tens, possibly a hundred meals ranging from dry to tasteless, from undercooked to “honey is this fish or chicken or both?”…. I’ve FINALLY mastered Chicken Fried Rice.
And the secret weapon, the one thing I’ve been missing throughout it all including my calculations into garlic, chopped onion, when to fry the egg, peanut oil or vegetable? how long to let the rice cool… overnight? The AGONIZING over how to cook the chicken and when to do the seasonings… all of it in VAIN because it was never about the ingredients or the recipe or the method… IT WAS THE FRIGGIN PAN!
It may sound silly to those who don’t cook Asian, or have never attempted it without a Wok, but MAN - WHAT WAS I THINKING??
My mom pampered me, literally, with The Pampered Chef Stir-Fry Skillet made of titanium reinforced hard-anodized aluminum for even heat conduction, strength and durability. It’s the G5 of Wok’s to be honest. And G5s are PLANES PEOPLE!!
Seriously though, I unwrapped this 20-pound puppy and my mom whispers “Now, that’s a 150 dollar skillet Amanda”
And she only calls me Amanda when she’s serious.
I put about ¼ cup of veggie oil, allowing it to heat enough before I added my chicken strips that had been lightly salted and covered in a bit of soy sauce, garlic powder and onion powder. Stirring constantly, it took about 1 minute for all the chicken to appear to have been cooked properly. I removed the chicken and let it drain on paper towels.
Next, I added my minced garlic (about 3 cloves!!??), a small diced onion, some red pepper flakes and let them simmer for a minute or two while I cooked off two egg’s in a small amount of oil in a pan to the side. Then, I added my brocolli , egg and (day old and cold) rice with a “healthy” splash of soy sauce (maybe ¼ cup, maybe less?). Stirring frantically (like as in really breaking a sweat and now my shoulders hurt, this pan is GYNUMBO) the whole ordeal was over and done within 3-4 minutes.
I was amazed.
I threw the chicken back in the mix, turned off the gas, and put a lid over the top (not covering, but I wanted to save a little heat). I was SHOCKED that it was all over in ¼ the time it normally took me to make sub-par stir-fry and here I had what looked like the Real McCoy! I was sitting there on my couch with the dishes done and stir-fry a-waitin’ for the hubster to come rolling in any minute now.
Seriously folks, proofs in the pan. This stir-fry was GREAT.
After tens, possibly a hundred meals ranging from dry to tasteless, from undercooked to “honey is this fish or chicken or both?”…. I’ve FINALLY mastered Chicken Fried Rice.
And the secret weapon, the one thing I’ve been missing throughout it all including my calculations into garlic, chopped onion, when to fry the egg, peanut oil or vegetable? how long to let the rice cool… overnight? The AGONIZING over how to cook the chicken and when to do the seasonings… all of it in VAIN because it was never about the ingredients or the recipe or the method… IT WAS THE FRIGGIN PAN!
It may sound silly to those who don’t cook Asian, or have never attempted it without a Wok, but MAN - WHAT WAS I THINKING??
My mom pampered me, literally, with The Pampered Chef Stir-Fry Skillet made of titanium reinforced hard-anodized aluminum for even heat conduction, strength and durability. It’s the G5 of Wok’s to be honest. And G5s are PLANES PEOPLE!!
Seriously though, I unwrapped this 20-pound puppy and my mom whispers “Now, that’s a 150 dollar skillet Amanda”
And she only calls me Amanda when she’s serious.
I put about ¼ cup of veggie oil, allowing it to heat enough before I added my chicken strips that had been lightly salted and covered in a bit of soy sauce, garlic powder and onion powder. Stirring constantly, it took about 1 minute for all the chicken to appear to have been cooked properly. I removed the chicken and let it drain on paper towels.
Next, I added my minced garlic (about 3 cloves!!??), a small diced onion, some red pepper flakes and let them simmer for a minute or two while I cooked off two egg’s in a small amount of oil in a pan to the side. Then, I added my brocolli , egg and (day old and cold) rice with a “healthy” splash of soy sauce (maybe ¼ cup, maybe less?). Stirring frantically (like as in really breaking a sweat and now my shoulders hurt, this pan is GYNUMBO) the whole ordeal was over and done within 3-4 minutes.
I was amazed.
I threw the chicken back in the mix, turned off the gas, and put a lid over the top (not covering, but I wanted to save a little heat). I was SHOCKED that it was all over in ¼ the time it normally took me to make sub-par stir-fry and here I had what looked like the Real McCoy! I was sitting there on my couch with the dishes done and stir-fry a-waitin’ for the hubster to come rolling in any minute now.
Seriously folks, proofs in the pan. This stir-fry was GREAT.
04 January 2009
Ideas?
A big mean cold makes mommy a very bad blogger.
*sniff sniff*
Taking a poll for my Alabama readers:
Any good ideas for any overnight stay somewhere within 3-ish hours drive for just the hubster and myself? Ooohh, that sounds sexy-sexy...
If you mention a place (i.e - Biloxi) include your favorite hotel too! I'm a sucka for hotels!
01 January 2009
The Heart Doctor
So, the pediatrician here in Montgomery referred us to a cardiologist here in Montgomery after being demanded to do so by Chase's neurologist in Birmingham. Oh the hierarchy of the medical world.
The appointment was for the 30th at 9:20 a.m. but I wasn't allowed to play around with it since it was made for me by the pediatrician. Had I of had my say, it wouldn't have been scheduled for morning nap.
Fortunately, my mom recently retired after 30 years with AT&T (woot woot!) and graciously offered her services to drive down to Montgomery and keep Conner.
We arrived, filled out the necessary paperwork (which took FOREVA as Chase was being especially rowdy). The nurse started with an EKG by placing several sticky monitors all over his chest, arms and legs. It took a few tries since Chase needed to be still and that was totally not on his agenda.
10 minutes later we got a "good reading" and waited on Dr. Cardioman to enter. He did a relatively standard physical and fortunately for us, Chase turned slightly blue while the doctor was there. Good news is that Chase's blueness seems to be a normal "baby thing" and he just gets a bit "extra blue" for whatever reason.
Dr. Cardioman decided to go ahead with the ultrasound to be thorough.
Pretty sweet little test, if you are on the receiving end I must say. Chase and I were brought into a dark room, both of us were put on a long table (me to keep Chase comfortable), and Spongebob was turned on the television at the end of the room. Chase had to select a flavor lollipop (he chose grape). Then, Chase lied there stretched out, naked except for a diaper and socks, sucking on his lollipop, starring at Spongebob as Dr. Cardioman gooped his chest up.
He did several minutes worth of imagery, taking ultrasound pics and printing them off, listening to the heart sounds (sounds just like when he was in-utero, so strange!), and watching flows (colored by orange and blue on the screen).
Occasionally, Chase would squirm but the kid really needed to be frank - this was NOTHING compared to the NICU tests!
For our Grand Finale, Chase was turned on his side for a different view of his heart. Within a few seconds, Dr. Cardioman found a small murmur. Most likely, it'll heal itself, but if it doesn't it can either A) Not cause a single problem or B) Cause some problems but we'll know because he will start to present certain symptoms later in life.
Interestingly enough, this past weekend while listening to Chase's heart, my father-in-law decided to listen to Conner too. It's probably wise to point out that Conner rarely stays still for his pediatrician and as a result he has probably never had the opportunity for such a "long listen" but Conner stayed perfectly still for his "Jack" and found a flow murmur. Same prognosis as Chase - it'll most likely heal itself and we won't hear from it again.
So, we have a neurology appointment next week as well as a regular checkup (which just drives me insane as I find them pointless, fruitless and wasteful!).
I'll let you all know how the neurology checkup goes! Fingers crossed!
The appointment was for the 30th at 9:20 a.m. but I wasn't allowed to play around with it since it was made for me by the pediatrician. Had I of had my say, it wouldn't have been scheduled for morning nap.
Fortunately, my mom recently retired after 30 years with AT&T (woot woot!) and graciously offered her services to drive down to Montgomery and keep Conner.
We arrived, filled out the necessary paperwork (which took FOREVA as Chase was being especially rowdy). The nurse started with an EKG by placing several sticky monitors all over his chest, arms and legs. It took a few tries since Chase needed to be still and that was totally not on his agenda.
10 minutes later we got a "good reading" and waited on Dr. Cardioman to enter. He did a relatively standard physical and fortunately for us, Chase turned slightly blue while the doctor was there. Good news is that Chase's blueness seems to be a normal "baby thing" and he just gets a bit "extra blue" for whatever reason.
Dr. Cardioman decided to go ahead with the ultrasound to be thorough.
Pretty sweet little test, if you are on the receiving end I must say. Chase and I were brought into a dark room, both of us were put on a long table (me to keep Chase comfortable), and Spongebob was turned on the television at the end of the room. Chase had to select a flavor lollipop (he chose grape). Then, Chase lied there stretched out, naked except for a diaper and socks, sucking on his lollipop, starring at Spongebob as Dr. Cardioman gooped his chest up.
He did several minutes worth of imagery, taking ultrasound pics and printing them off, listening to the heart sounds (sounds just like when he was in-utero, so strange!), and watching flows (colored by orange and blue on the screen).
Occasionally, Chase would squirm but the kid really needed to be frank - this was NOTHING compared to the NICU tests!
For our Grand Finale, Chase was turned on his side for a different view of his heart. Within a few seconds, Dr. Cardioman found a small murmur. Most likely, it'll heal itself, but if it doesn't it can either A) Not cause a single problem or B) Cause some problems but we'll know because he will start to present certain symptoms later in life.
Interestingly enough, this past weekend while listening to Chase's heart, my father-in-law decided to listen to Conner too. It's probably wise to point out that Conner rarely stays still for his pediatrician and as a result he has probably never had the opportunity for such a "long listen" but Conner stayed perfectly still for his "Jack" and found a flow murmur. Same prognosis as Chase - it'll most likely heal itself and we won't hear from it again.
So, we have a neurology appointment next week as well as a regular checkup (which just drives me insane as I find them pointless, fruitless and wasteful!).
I'll let you all know how the neurology checkup goes! Fingers crossed!
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