Boys Will Be Monsters...

I was watching them, swear, but I am only one person.

During Pre-school time yesterday, Chase managed to empty an entire bottle of unopened green apple scented detangling shampoo (a gift, I don't really have a need for it, boys = short hair). I was on the potty, and knew that Chase was playing in the only un-secured bathroom cabinet. Every container in said cabinet is baby & bath related: baby powder, bath bubbles (unopened), a few combs, some duckies, baby lotion (unopened) and one container of plastic sealed tear-free baby wash. 

SOMEHOW - while I was, um, unavailable, Chase managed to unscrew the top and then somehow picked off the aluminum seal on said shampoo.

By the time I was finished, which really wasn't long (and he was 8 feet from me, but blocked from my site by the potty room door), he managed to empty the whole thing and began "drawing" on the floor with it, all over the door leading to the closet and on the cabinets. I cleaned up the mess, and was thankful he didn't get it in his eyes or mouth. 

Flash forward: Lunch time. Conner is home and playing with his rocket ships in the master bedroom and bathroom. I was making lunch when I went to check on him and was met mid-living room by the smell of my favorite Febreeze Air Effects Spray, Baked Sugar Cookies (a seasonal Christmas scent). Normally, this makes my mouth water, but by the time I was in the master bedroom, I was holding back vomit.

He managed to empty an entire can of this stuff in a relatively small space. He tells me he was using it to "blast off", but I still can not comprehend how he was even able to stay in the bathroom. The air was thick with baked cookies and the whole house soon smelled like Santa Died.

It took all day to get rid of the smell and a half can of scrubbing bubbles to get the residue off the bathroom floor.

Get worse? Nah.

Last night, Michael worked late teaching one of his classes so, he wasn't here. I was making dinner when Conner comes to me showing off his freshly washed hands. Note: Conner NEVER washes his hands without scolding. So, the mommy instinct kicked in.

"What was on your hands that you washed off?" I interrogated.

"The purple stuff," he replies.

Hum. Purple stuff. I know of nothing purple... I get to the bathroom and there on the counter top is my $40 Clinique Moisture Surge Moisturizer (the only beauty product I really splurge on as it lasts me almost a whole year and WORKS to both moisturize and not feel heavy - NEVER breaks me out). It's open, and 1/4 of it is missing. I about DIED.

I take him to his room, and talk to him about "asking before you play with something that is not yours" and other similar lessons. He says "I'm so reawwy sowwy" about 15 times and I leave him to marinade on his wrong doings (I hope he did...)

Whilest I was time-outting that child, wanna know what the other did?

Well, sitting quietly in prayer is not the answer. 

He was in the Bathroom of Massacres emptying out ANOTHER BOTTLE OF BABY SOAP THAT HE SOMEHOW OBTAINED OFF THE SHELF ABOVE THE TUB. And this time, he had more skill in the matter and an obvious attack plan. He had it on the shower, IN THE SHOWER, all over the tub, the walls, the cabinets (AGAIN!) and obviously the floor.

I cleaned everything, again.

Once finished, I plopped down on the bed with a sigh as I chatted with Staci about all the mess and the hours of cleaning (and how bad my house smelled, gag). As soon as I finished the story, Conner comes in to tell me something.

"Momma, I spilled my chocolate milk on the floor with my feet".............

All-in-all, I think the days damages amount to something in the 30 to 40 dollar range, at least 10 last nerves, all of my marbles and a dollop of my sanity. Like my mom said yesterday "...and you want another one?". Woman has a point.

Amanda's Blogging Tips: Basics Edition

After my giveaway, a large handful of you contacted me with blog related questions. Some wanted simple bloggy advice, one just wanted me to help her name a new blog, and the larger majority of those who contacted me wanted to know the obvious - how do I get free stuff to review and/or giveaway??

It's the exact same question I found myself asking late last year.

I kept stumbling upon review blogs, or other mommy blogs that had FREE stuff and reviews! The majority of these also had great content, so I enjoyed their blog without the free stuff, but I couldn't help but wonder "how do I get in on that??"

I wasn't completely in the dark, however. I have a bachelor's in Public Relations/Advertising, so I know how the PR gears grind. Companies want their name out, the internet is a wonderful way to do that, and the blogging world is growing by leaps and bounds. One of the biggest criteria for product promotion is to hit your "target market", which for people who read this blog, are mostly women ages 18-45 who share a few things in common (kids, raising hellions, enjoying a good story or two about poo, recycling, husbands that drive them crazy.... you know... that kind of stuff).

Here's my list of a few things you can do get your feet wet, your blog grounded and maybe obtain a few freebies and promo offers. This is just the beginning, blogging basics just for you:

1) CONTENT - I just CAN NOT express the importance of this enough, so here are a few exclamation points for emphasis (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Here's how the game works - PR companies have clients with products that they are paid to promote. They want to give YOUR blog these products if AND ONLY IF you have a consistent and dedicated readership. The only way to have a solid readership is to not bore the pants off of people. Find a niche, something you think you can consistently blog about.

What's mine? Well, The Mom Job, obviously, but it's a little more than that. I try to keep this website broad, so I can blog about what I want - if I don't like the topic, my posts seem to be boring. And boring content means no readers. See where I'm going with this?

So Step 1: Just write. Write passionately, and post often. You either WANT this or you don't.

2) NETWORK - In the world of mommy bloggers, we are all trying to make connections, share stories, find common ground with other moms so we can look at ourselves in the mirror and say "See, I'm not completely insane! Other mommies have let their children eat doughnuts for every meal, 3 days in a row!"

In my personal experience, this is one of the most rewarding parts of blogging that I didn't expect at all. I've "met" so many moms from all walks of life and locations, but we all share something in common - we blog and we have crazy children who we love with our whole being. I also read a few blogs that aren't "mommy blogs" and fall more under the "humor blogs" category, but some happen to be mothers. I like to pretend I fall in this category sometimes, and that other people who don't have children can enjoy my content. I might be kidding myself though.

Networking means finding other blogs, making friends by leaving comments and in turn, hopefully they'll come to your site and leave a comment back. And if the stars are aligned and the Prozac is flowing, maybe just maybe you'll become bloggy friends (which makes you feel all warm and fuzzy AND your numbers look better - WIN WIN WIN).

3) COMMENT BACK - If you notice in my comments section, I usually comment back to those who are nice enough to leave me "comment love". It's just like if someone on the street said "hey, I LOVE your shoes" and you ignored them. You wouldn't do that, right? NO! You'd tackle them and hump their leg for noticing that you FINALLY are wearing your nice shoes instead of the same flip-flops you've been torturing yourself with for the past 3 years (but sure are comfy).

Commenting back helps deepen your connection with your bloggy friends, and shows that you CARE they took the time to read your blog. Occasionally, it'll lead to further conversations or other blog topics. So, just try and remember that.

4) BE BIPOLAR - Ok, I do not mean that literally, but what I do mean is this - there's nothing worse than stumbling on a blog that is all rays of sunshine, pots of gold, and darling children with farts that smell of daisies. GET A GRIP. Life is life. Be real, be you and for Pete's sake - don't pretend to live in a magazine with perfect children and a perfect husband. Life sucks sometimes, life's great sometimes and life can be outright hysterical sometimes - so blog it all.

5) DE-CLUTTER - Buttons, and pressy things and blog lists are great - in moderation. Once you start posting every. single. one of them though - you look a little needy and I begin to wonder if you are that lady on Oprah who lives amongst life-sized piles of McDonald's toys, 14 hundred collectible cherubs and old plastic bins.

From a PR perspective, companies might be less likely to offer you a product for review/giveaway if they feel their product won't be front and center. If your blog is too AHHH! MY BRAIN IS MELTING, then they are right - the product won't be an attention grabber, and that's not good for business.

And noteworthy, I started this journey in November (well, The Mom Job journey, I've been blogging since 2005ish...and my archives on here back to early 2007), and I just started getting legit offers over the past 8 weeks. This takes time people, be patient.

Next Edition: Stepping Up Your Bloggy Game: How to promote and win the hearts of PR companies. If you have questions you want me to answer, comment away!!

Alright, Who Let My Uterus Blog?

(dually titled: Wifi in my Uteri - harhar)

In case you couldn't see me blushing for the last 48 hours, just know I've been beet red (well, virtually beet red - this is The Internets).

It's not that my last post wasn't completely and exactly 100% what I am thinking and feeling, it's just that I'm either A) going balls out (excuse the term) B) really hormonal or C) absolutely bonkers. It's equally as plausible that I am all of the above or a whacked out combination of some of those letters and any of the 23 letters that follow.

I'm also very confident that shortly post post, my mother freaked out and called my grandmother, who then proceeded in phone-a-friend fashion to alert my aunt and by tomorrow (Sunday), my ovaries and I will probably be on some church bulletin in Pleasant Grove, Alabama as well as the conversation topic at Tuesday's Pot Luck Bingo Night.

Actually, none of that's probably true - my mom is good at staying mum (see what I did there? I slay me).

But the truth of it all, is that there's this kid. And, I've never ever been a "kid person". 

Feel free to do one of two things: 1) Gasp and have a "Oh dear, bless her sweet heart" moment and wonder how ANYONE could not like these blessed angels that walk amongst us AND think to yourself "well, if she's not a kid-person, then why the chicken is she having BABIES and BLOGGING ABOUT it!" or 2) Nod in agreement because at some point in your life, you've had the misfortune pleasure of knowing me pre-crazy monster/child hybridsbaby and were FLOORED when you discovered (stalked?) that I settled down with a wonderful Hubster and 2 amazing wee-ones.

So, this kid. He's just so amazing. Always active, constantly learning, growing daily - and get this: he's MINE:

But the absolutely BONKERS part of this, is that he's not an infant or a baby, not even a toddler anymore. I keep finding him in certain situations in which he looks LIKE A PERSON. And he can do all these... big people things....

...like catching his first fish by himself...

And the next part that makes my entire reproductive system twinge is that I know what happens next! It doesn't STOP! THEY GET BIGGER!

Maybe it's the extra sleep that finally sent a memo from my uterus to my blog (apparently, I'm no longer needed, they've memorized my login information). The memo must have read:

Alert: All necessary reproductive organs. Eyes have observed eldest offspring appears less childlike and more school-ageish. Second offspring now sleeping through night and has rid himself of morning nap. Gear up for Operation: Make Amanda Fat Again, that is all. This message will self-destruct or become blog-worthy in the next 30 seconds....

Yeah, my insides talk just like that.

And they have a point! Or do they... could this be that Baby Clock most mid-twenty-somethings get? But see... I've already DONE this. Got the t-shirt and ultra-cool take home mug with hospital logo and EVERYTHING. I even got the honor of both a "normal" birth and one that ends in tears of delirium followed by 4 months of hell (woot.).

A lot of you said (wonderful) things like: you've got time, and it's ok, I feel your pain, and if you have another, it's fine to want a boy but you'd survive if you had a girl. Several of you went on with your bad selves and wished another baby on me, Donya... that FedEx package is my patented Fertile Juju Pregnancy Sauce, it also comes with a home pregnancy test, enjoy. 

Many of you pointed out that Someone Bigger Than Me (ok, I'm 4'10", almost ALL of you are bigger than me...) (I meant GOD) has His plan, and I should keep my so fresh and so clean clean (thanks swine flu) paws out of the Worry Department and more in the Raise The Kids You Have and See What Happens Department. As always, all of you made excellent points (and as always, I heart all of your faces...).

I can do that? Right? Let Go and Let God? But what about all that baby stuff? For now, let it sit and multiply. 

No Girls Allowed and Letting Go

Having 2 young boys, you get a fair share of "so, are you going to go for a girl?" to which I sharply reply "no, no, no... I wanted boys," and I mean it with every inch of my soul.

My grandmother had 2 sisters, my mom was 1 of 2 girls, and I was 1 of 2 girls as well. When I was pregnant with Chase, and we called my grandmother to tell her the sex, she replied "Oh, well, you'll just have to try again for our girl!"

Which, for the record, made my skin crawl.

And very, very few people "get" that I didn't want a girl. Nothing against them, obviously I am one, but I just don't do pink frufru and ponytails.

I was the little girl with matching everything (EVERYTHING) and whereas that worked for my mom and her personality, I am not wired that way - I don't believe I'd be able to play matchy-matchy this and that just to leave the house. The Ponytail Wars, the Ballet Recitals, the Sassy remarks....

I joke that the boys can tag along to the store in mismatched shorts and shirts, with dirt under their nails and suckers stuck in their hair, and people giggle because "boys will be boys", but if I were to have a little girl in the same conditions, DHR would be on my doorstep within hours.

Sadly... true.

After Chase's birth, it seems that both sides of the family dropped the "what about the third". Chase put us all through the wringer. Which, makes me uneasy... what happened to Chase was a freak accident. Odds are in the hundreds of millions... it's not that we have "bad genes" or that Chase was a "bad egg"... Chase is my calm, easy-going, plays-by-himself kid. He's actually less fuss than Conner (it could be the age though...). It breaks my heart a little to think we were "thrown out of the baby-making pool" because of what happened with Chase's birth. Does that make any sense?

I have this growing pile of clothes, baby clothes, in Chase's nursery. It started out as just one plastic tub, and now the pile stands NO LIE 4-feet high. On the bottom are newborn clothes, then 0-3 months, 3-6 months, 6-9 months... the top foot is sadly now 12 months and even some 18 month shirts that won't fit....

Technically, I am supposed to go through these clothes and stack them into "Giveaway", "Keep" and "Sell" piles... "keep" being for a quilt I want made of the more memorable boys' clothes - like the yellow duckie onesie both the boys wore, the shirt that always made Conner's eyes the most beautiful shade of blue, Chase's "accidental" take home outfit with ponies and cowboy tassles on the booties...

Problem: I just can't do it. I can NOT mentally and physically go through this MOUNTAIN of baby clothes. It means no more babies. No more first smiles, first crawls, first steps... you get it.

No. I don't want another baby, at least I don't think I want another baby. I make the joke with Michael that I might be up for it if he could guarantee me another boy, but we both laugh knowing that God would laugh at US and give us a girl. Because He knows I could handle it, and God's funny like that.

I need inspiration to let go of the baby things. Or I need a miracle to bonk me on the head and say "you could have one more baby". I'm beginning to think neither are going to happen.

(Inspired by this article, which explains even further why I just can not have a girl) (she also blogs over at the Mother Load)

Have I Told You Lately That I Heart You?

Do you know what amazes the bananas out of me?

YOU!

No, seriously.

Here I am, in my little dusty corner of the Internets, flopping some text onto an instant publisher for the world to read all about my blah blah blah, and yet... people actually read it (like... 2,500 of you a month!).

What?

Thing is, I've got to warn you guys - whereas you are getting The Real McCoyAmanda, you must know this: I'm an absolute train wreck in real life.

I don't mean that in a "I'm absolute ape crap bonkers" way, what I mean is that for as long as I can remember I've been unable to articulate what I'm really trying to say in a conversation unless I've already planned it all out in my head (typically only applies to people I've known for less than 5 years...). BUT, sometime around middle school (maybe early HS), I realized that I can come to a complete thought, case, point and procedure in written word.

For me to blog is completely natural. Yet, then again, it's also just this splattered mess all over the WWW.

...and still you come...

So, I've got a game!

Come on... play!

See, my Google Analytics tells me lots of fun stuff, we've talked about this before. Over the past few weeks, many of you have started "outing" yourselves, which I can not express how much i LURVE. Love love love. Thank you, de-lurkers, I heart each and every one of your faces. For reals.

I have viewers ALL OVA the place. If you are one of these people, HOLLA AT CHA GIRL (read: say "hi" "it's Monchichi from Nebraska")... (It can even be anonymous... you can even be one of those people who has only been to my blog ONCE, and HATE MY FACE, but seriously, just TELL ME.... )

1. Rhode Island - I'm just fascinated with Rhode Island... it's all situated nice and pretty in the North East, access to the Big Time Cities in a short drive, yet it's TINY. As in,  1045 square miles... that just blows my mind! That's... 8 TIMES smaller than Atlanta! From RI? 

2. Richmond, VA - I've never been to Virginia, but the pictures are gorgeous... I had an english teacher in college who now teaches in VA, and she would speak of how beautiful and (obviously) history rich the state was (or is...?) .... Plus, Mike's work is opening a new office there, and if the market were to FREAKING GET OVER ITSELF ALREADY, I'd totally move there.

3.  Michigan - COOOLLD, dude. I don't know how you handle it. But, I get about 30-40 hits a month from this state and from several cities. FESS UP!

4.  Beverly Hills, CA - WHAT? I know. I know. The kids are adorable. If you are wanting head shots, hit me up already... ge'ez. Oh, and West Hollywood, CA - go ahead and admit you are reading too... i...see....you.... (and have either of you ever run into Lauren Conrad? I live vicariously through her... SAD)

5. Canada, in general - Hate me for lumping you all together later, but for now... really? I'm just a tiny little girl with two kids in Alabama....

(On my list of "really? me?": Australia, Vietnam, The Philippines, Italy, Spain, Poland?)

And don't stop reading! I know that motherhood, and The Crazy and The Funny, and blogging in general are all common threads. We all share something in common, and you are here for a reason. I hope not to disappoint...

... and now for the rambling to stop....

Eggs Aren't Offered This Way At Waffle House - I Hope

Chase slept through the night, as in 9:30 PM till 8:30 AM. Which, for the record, Chase managed to wake every single morning for our 8 day vacation at FOUR in the morning. 

He'd wake, not go back to sleep, start talking, playing and eventually... want to nurse. So, I'd fetch him and he'd nurse with me on my side half-asleep and he'd stick his fingers all the way up my nose or in my eyeballs (OUCH) or even scratch my gums with his fingernails.

BEFORE THE SUN WAS EVEN UP.... Waaaaay before. Sigh. Wasn't this supposed to be a vacation??

Returning from vacation, in my house, means no groceries, and baby who hasn't nursed for almost 11 hours = hungry. Chase eats 2 eggs every morning. I make those eggs with milk. If I use water, he doesn't finish... 

... I was engorged from not nursing...

.... No milk in the house ....

.... Hungry baby ....

See where I'm going?

Yes, this morning I prepared two eggs (in the microwave), scrambled with... breast milk...

7 Quick Takes: I'm Having a GIVEAWAY, FYI Edition

-1-

If you haven't already entered my Fabuluous Giveaway... WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? It's free stuff people, and free good stuff... SO CLICKITY CLICKITY already.

-2-

We just spent a week in Destin, FL. 

 (not my picture, google let me borrow it... kinda)

But, I'm not sure when my vacation started or ended.... Either way, I'm in need of some rest. Like, whoa.

-3-

Don't worry your little brains out. It's unattractive. There will be more on our trip in another post sometime this week...

-4-I'm trying to type this with a 16 month old asleep at the foot of my bed. I'm totally risking nap time for the sake of blogging. Bad mom or good blogger??


-5-This could, quite possibly be, the shortest Quick Takes you'll ever see.


-6-I sent my husband to the store during our vacation for two items: toothpaste and diapers. He came back with those and the following:- Two beach chairs with wheels (probably 50 bucks!)- Two foam swords (right, because Conner needs more weaponary for his growing arsenal...)- A cooler with wheels (if it has wheels, in Michael's book, it automatically becomes a trillion times better than it's wheel-less counterparts)- 4 6-packs of gatorade- A 10-peice sand bucket collection complete with shovels and crab molds galore (we already had said item in room and yes, he knew that.)- An additional, yet notably larger, shovel.
Two crucial mistakes: 1)Never send husband to store when he's bored already and 2)Don't let aforementioned bored husband bring equally bored 3-year-old
For the record, we never used the cooler.


-7-Did I mention I'm tired? That vacations need vacations after them? That my husband has a spending problem? That my child is trying to sleep? OR... did I forget to mention that I'm giving STUFF AWAY! 
For more Quick Takes that suck way less but might not offer FREE STUFF visit the Conversion Diary.